Chain Letter jokes and other collections

Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex...You can get chocolate.
Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex...Chocolade satisfies, even when is has gone soft.
Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex..."If you love me, you'll swallow it" has a real meaning with chocolade.
Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex...You can safely have chocolade when you're driving.
Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex...You can make chocolade last as long as you want.
Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex...You can have chocolade in front of your mother.
Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex...If you bite the nuts too hard, the chocolade won't mind.
Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex...Two people of the same sex can have chocolade together without being called nasty names.
Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex...The word "commitment" doesn't scare chocolade off.
Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex...You can have chocolade on your desk during work hours without upsetting your work mates.
Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex...You can ask a stranger for chocolade without getting your face slapped.
Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex...You don't get hairs in your mouth from chocolade.
Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex...With chocolade there's no need to fake it.
Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex...Chocolade doesn't produce little chocolades nine month later.
Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex...You can have chocolade any time of the month.
Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex...Good chocolade is easy to find.
Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex...One chocolade doesn't get nasty if it sees you having another chocolade.
Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex...You are never too young or too old for chocolade.
Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex...When you have chocolade, it doesn't keep the neighbours awake.
Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex...With chocolade, size doesn't matter, it's always good.
You Know You're a TRUE South Park Fan If,... You buy Loverboy's Greatest Hits Album just so you can hear the full version of, "A Pig and an Elephant's DNA Just Won't Splice."
You Know You're a TRUE South Park Fan If,... You ask your local priest of reverend for the phone number of Jesus' call-in show.
You Know You're a TRUE South Park Fan If,... You wonder how Mr. Hat makes Mr. Garrison's lips move.
You Know You're a TRUE South Park Fan If,... You ask if Frank Gifford ever found out that Kathie Lee was in bed with Chef.
You Know You're a TRUE South Park Fan If,... You wonder if Officer Barbrady went to the same police academy as Chief Wiggum.
You Know You're a TRUE South Park Fan If,... Someone asks if you want cheesecake for desert, and you blurt out, "I want BEEFCAKE! BEEFCAKE!"
You Know You're a TRUE South Park Fan If,... Your wife asks if you would rather have Cheetos, because the store is out of Cheesy Poofs.
You Know You're a TRUE South Park Fan If,... You start calling your overbearing boss, "Kenny."
You Know You're a TRUE South Park Fan If,... Your idea of a meat substitute is, "Veal Roll-Ups."
You Know You're a TRUE South Park Fan If,... Your favorite athletes are Road Dog Jesse James and Bad Ass Billy Gunn.
You Know You're a TRUE South Park Fan If,... You drive a lawnmower over your sister's head.
You Know You're a TRUE South Park Fan If,... It's fourth and goal, Pete Stoyanovich comes out for a 42-yarder, and you yell out, "Hey Pete! Kick the Baby!"
You Know You're a TRUE South Park Fan If,... You go to the pound and purchase the one dog with a pink bandana.
v You Know You're a TRUE South Park Fan If,... You don't put Worcestershire Sauce on ANYTHING.
You Know You're a TRUE South Park Fan If,... You study Spanish just in case Mr. Garrison puts anything in Spanish on the chalkboard.
You Know You're a TRUE South Park Fan If,... You feel bad after a long dump in the toilet bowl, because you don't want to crowd Mr. Hankey's space in there.
You Know You're a TRUE South Park Fan If,... Someone offers you a bag of Cheesy Poofs, and you say, "I will pay you 50 dollars for one!"
You Know You're a TRUE South Park Fan If,... You wonder why Chef is singing about a bad mother named, "Shaft," on an oldies radio station.
Yo momma so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up
Yo momma so fat her nickname is "DAMN"
Yo momma so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.
Yo momma so fat were in her right now
Yo momma so fat people jog around her for exercise
Yo momma so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone
Yo momma so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors
Yo mamma so fat you haveta roll over twice to get off her...
Yo momma so fat she was floating in the ocean and spain claimed her for then new world
Yo momma so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy
Yo momma so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop!
Yo momma so fat when she has sex, she has to give directions!
Yo momma so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"
Yo momma so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!"
Yo momma so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized
Yo momma so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway
Yo momma so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller
Yo momma so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets
Yo momma so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th
Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too
Yo momma so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn"
Yo momma so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!
Yo momma so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please" Yo momma so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo. Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it. Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued. Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says we don't do livestock. Yo momma so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs! Yo momma so fat she's got her own area code! Yo momma so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon! Yo momma so fat God couldn't light Earth till she moved! Yo momma so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her! Yo momma so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in! Yo momma so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago... Yo momma so fat she's got Amtrak written on her leg. Yo momma so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction! Yo momma so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white & chunky! Yo momma so fat you have to roll her ass in flour and look for the wet spot to fuck her! Yo momma so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the bitches good side! Yo momma so fat she wakes up in sections! Yo momma so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER! Yo momma so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of george washington's nose. Yo momma so fat she was mistaken for God's bowling ball! Yo momma so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar! Yo momma so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun! Yo momma so fat when she bunje jumps she goes straight to hell! Yo momma so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!!! Yo momma so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book! Yo momma so fat that her senior pictures had to be arial views! Yo momma so fat she's on both sides of the family! Yo momma so fat everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil! Yo momma so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon! Yo momma so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in! Yo momma so fat that when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips! Yo momma so fat even her clothes have stretch marks! Yo momma so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand! Yo momma so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper! Yo momma so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out! Yo momma so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she's wearin tights! Yo momma so fat she got hit by a parked car! Yo momma so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out! Yo momma so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans! Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued. Yo momma so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat people say "Taxi!" Yo momma so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway! Yo momma so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller! Yo momma so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave she landed on 12th Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps she pulls down the bridge too Yo momma so fat she steps on a scale & it goes one at a time please Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it! Yo momma so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck! Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it. Yo momma so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo. Yo momma so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping Yo momma so fat when they used her underwear elastic for bungee jumping, they hit the ground. Yo momma so fat when she back up she beep. Yo momma so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck. Yo momma so fat she has to buy two airline tickets. Yo momma so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again. Yo momma so fat she influences the tides. Yo momma so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas. Yo momma so fat she broke her leg and gravy fell out. Yo momma so fat the animals at the zoo feed her. Yo momma so fat she was baptized at Marine World. Yo momma so fat she's on both sides of the family! Yo momma so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips. Yo momma so fat the Aids quilt wouldn't cover her Yo momma so fat she stands in two time zones. Yo momma so fat I tried to drive around her and I ran out of gas. Yo momma so fat she left the house in high heels and when she came back she had on flip flops. Yo momma so fat shes on both sides of the family. Yo momma so fat it takes her two trips to haul ass Yo momma so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through Yo momma so fat when the bitch goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps. Yo momma so fat that she cant tie her own shoes. Yo momma so fat sets off car alarms when she runs. Yo momma so fat she cant reach her back pocket. Yo momma so fat when she wears one of those X jackets, helicopters try to land on her back! Yo momma so fat her college graduation picture was an airial. Yo momma so fat she lays on the beach and greenpeace tried to push her back in the water Yo momma so fat she broke her leg and gravy poured out Yo momma so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teeth Yo momma so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures Yo momma so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck. Yo momma so fat she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard. Yo momma so fat she sat on a dollar and squeezed a booger out George Washington's nose. Yo momma so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles. Yo momma so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon. Yo momma so fat that when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean..... Yo momma so fat that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, the bitch caused an eclipse. Yo momma so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl. Yo momma so fat she was baptised in the ocean. Yo momma so fat she has to iron her clothes in the driveway. Yo momma so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it. Yo momma so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?" Yo momma so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow! Yo momma so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks. Yo momma so fat the National Weather Agency has to assign names to her farts!!! Yo momma so fat we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet. Yo momma so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes Yo momma so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends Yo momma so stupid when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon Yo momma so stupid she told everyone that she was "illegitiment" because she couldn't read Yo momma so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind Yo momma so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl Yo momma so stupid you have to dig for her IQ! Yo momma so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved! Yo momma so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes! Yo momma so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order! Yo momma so supid she could trip over a cordless phone! Yo momma so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money! Yo momma so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight! Yo momma so stupid she thinks a quarterbacks a refund! Yo momma so stupid she took a cup to see Juice. Yo momma so stupid that she sold the car for gas money. Yo momma so stupid she asked you "What is the number for 911 momma so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. Yo momma so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put "O.K." Yo momma so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out. Yo momma so stupid she stole free bread. Yo momma so stupid she took a spoon to the superbowl. Yo momma so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check. Yo momma so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back. Yo momma so stupid she makes Beavis and Butt-Head look like Nobel Prize winners. Yo momma so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train. Yo momma so stupid when asked on an application, "Sex?", she marked, "M, F and sometimes Wednesday too." Yo momma so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif. Yo momma so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean! Yo momma so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl Yo momma so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved! Yo momma so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds! Yo momma so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch! Yo momma so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center. Yo momma so stupid she bought a videocamera to record cable tv shows at home. Yo momma so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead. Yo momma so stupid she jumped out the window and went up. Yo momma so stupid she thought a quarterback was an income tax refund. Yo momma so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain. Yo momma so stupid that under "Education" on her job apllication, she put "Hooked on Phonics." Yo momma so stupid she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house. Yo momma so stupid she put lipstick on her forehead, talking about she was trying to makeup her mind. Yo momma so stupid she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes. Yo momma so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals." Yo momma so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning. Yo momma so ugly just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it." Yo momma so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies. Yo momma so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower Yo momma so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars. Yo momma so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck Yo momma so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween. Yo momma so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras Yo momma so ugly her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her Yo momma so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her. Yo momma so ugly when she walks down the street in September, people say "Damn, is it Halloween already?" Yo momma so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday. Yo momma so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects. Yo momma so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints. Yo momma so ugly she made an onion cry. Yo momma so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower! Yo momma so ugly when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours. . .for a quote! Yo momma so ugly they put her in dough and made monster cookies! Yo momma so ugly she tried to take a bath the water jumped out! Yo momma so ugly she looks out the window and gets arrested! Yo momma so ugly even Rice Krispies won't talk to her! Yo momma so ugly Ted Dansen wouldn't date her! Yo momma so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone! Yo momma so ugly she had to get her baby drunk to breastfeed it! Yo momma so ugly she turned Medusa to stone! Yo momma so ugly The NHL banned her for life Yo momma so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween! Yo momma so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday! Yo momma so ugly if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects! Yo momma so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints Yo momma so ugly she made an onion cry! Yo momma so ugly people go as her for Halloween. Yo momma so ugly that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her. Yo momma so ugly she scares the roaches away. Yo momma so ugly we have to tie a steak around your neck so the dog will play with her! Yo momma so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound. Yo momma so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects. Yo momma so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye. Yo momma so old I told her to act her own age, and the bitch died. Yo momma so old she has Jesus' beeper number! Yo momma so old her social security number is 1! Yo momma so old that when God said let the be light, she hit the switch' Yo momma so old that when she was in school there was no history class. Yo momma so old she owes Jesus 3 bucks! Yo momma so old she's in Jesus's yearbook! Yo momma so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook. Yo momma so old her birth certificate says expired on it. Yo momma so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince. Yo momma so old she owes Jesus a nickel. Yo momma so old when God said "Let their be light", she flipped the switch. Yo momma so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper. Yo momma so old she ran track with dinosaurs. Yo momma so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals. Yo momma so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook. Yo momma so old she sat behind Jesus in the third grade. Yo momma so old and stupid she knew the Virgin Mary when she was 10 and said, "Li'l Mary will never amount to anything". Yo momma so poor when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said "Moving." Yo momma so poor she can't afford to pay attention! Yo momma so poor when I ring the doorbell I hear the toilet flush! Yo momma so poor when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers!!! Yo momma so poor when I ring the doorbell she says,"DING!" Yo momma so poor she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway. Yo momma so poor she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway. Yo momma so poor your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk. Yo momma so poor she goes to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick other people's fingers. Yo momma so poor her face is on the front of a foodstamp. Yo momma so poor she was in K-Mart with a box of Hefty bags. I said, "What ya doin'?" She said, "Buying luggage." Yo momma so poor she drives a peanut. Yo momma so poor she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning. Yo momma so dark she went to night school and was marked absent! Yo momma so dark she spits chocolate milk! Yo momma so dark she went to night school and was marked absent. Yo momma so dark that she can leave fingerprints on charcoal. Yo momma so dark she has to wear white gloves when she eats Tootsie Rolls to keep from eating her fingers. Yo momma so dirty she has to creep up on bathwater. Yo momma so short she poses for trophies! Yo momma so short you can see her feet on her drivers lisence! Yo momma so short she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime. Yo momma so short she can play handball on the curb. Yo momma so short she does backflips under the bed. Yo momma so short she models for trophys. Yo momma so nasty when she goes to a hair salon, she told the stylist to cut her hair and she opened up her shirt Yo momma so nasty She gotta put ice down her drawers to keep the crabs fresh! Yo momma so nasty she made speed stick slow down. Yo momma so nasty she brings crabs to the beach Yo momma so nasty she made right guard turn left. Yo momma so nasty the fishery be paying her to leave Yo momma so nasty she has to creep up on bathwater. Yo momma so nasty that her shit is glad to escape. Yo momma so nasty Ozzie Ozbourne refused to bite her head off Yo momma so nasty that pours salt water down her pants to keep her crabs fresh. Yo momma so nasty I called her for phone sex and she gave me an ear infection. Yo momma like potato chips-- Fri-to Lay Yo momma like a screen door, after a couple bangs she tends to loosen up! Yo momma like the pillbury doughboy - everyone gets a poke! Yo momma like a doorknob - everyone gets a turn! Yo momma like a T.V. set, even a three year old can turn her on! Yo momma like a doorknob, everyone gets a turn! Yo momma like a bus, fifty cents and she's ready to ride! Yo momma like a golf course, everyone GETS a hole in one! Yo momma like the railway system, she gets laid all over the country! Yo momma like a tomato source bottle, everyone gets a squeeze out of her! Yo momma like a shotgun: one cock and she blows! Yo momma like a hardware store: 4 cents a screw! Yo momma like Domino's pizza-- Something for nothing Yo momma like a refridgerator: everyone likes to put their meat in her! Yo momma like cake mix, 15 servings per package! Yo momma like a rifle... four cocks and she's loaded. Yo momma like a bowling ball. She's picked up, fingered, and then thrown in the gutter. Yo momma like a bus: Guys climb on and off her all day long. Yo momma like a Toyota: "Oh what a feelin'!" Yo momma like Orange Crush: "Good Vibrations!" Yo momma like a bubble-gum machine... five cents a blow. Yo momma like chinese food: sweet, sour and cheap! Yo momma like a vaccuum cleaner.....a real good suck. Yo momma so hairy you almost died of rugburn at birth! Yo momma so hairy she's got afros on her nipples! Yo momma so hairy she look like she got Buchwheat in a headlock. Yo momma so hairy Bigfoot is taking her picture! Yo momma so hairy she wears a Nike tag on her weave so now everybody calls her Hair Jordan. Yo momma so slutty she could suck-start a Harley! Yo momma so slutty she could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch ball! Yo momma so slutty when she got a new mini skirt, everyone commented on her nice belt! Yo momma so slutty she was on the cover of wheaties, with her legs open, and it said "breakfast of the champs" Yo momma so slutty that I could've been your daddy, but the guy in line behind me had the correct change. Yo momma so slutty she had her own "Hands across her ass" charity drive Yo momma so slutty that when she heard Santa Claus say HO HO HO she thought she was getting it three times. Yo momma so slutty I fucked her and I's a chick! Yo momma so slutty she blind and seeing another man. Yo momma nose so big you can go bowling with her boogers! Yo momma nose so big she makes Pinochio look like a cat! Yo momma so greasy she used bacon as a band-aid! Yo momma so greasy she sweats Crisco! Yo momma so greasy Texaco buys Oil from her Yo momma teeth are so yellow traffic slows down when she smiles! Yo momma teeth are so yellow she spits butter! Yo momma so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs. Yo momma so skinny she hula hoops with a cheerio Yo momma so skinny she has to wear a belt with spandex. Yo momma so skinny she turned sideways and dissapeared. Yo momma so bald even a wig wouldn't help! Yo momma so bald you can see whats on her mind Yo momma so bald that she took a shower and got brain-washed. Yo momma so tall she tripped over a rock and hit her head on the moon. Yo momma so tall she did a back-flip and kicked Jesus in the mouth. Yo momma so tall she tripped in Michigan and hit her head in Florida. Yo momma so flat she's jealous of the wall! Yo momma's glasses are so thick that when she looks on a map she can see people waving. Yo momma's glasses are so thick she can see into the future. Yo momma has an afro with a chin strap. Yo momma has one leg and a bicycle. Yo momma has 4 eyes and 2 pair of sunglasses. Yo momma has so much hair on her upper lip, she braids it. Yo momma has one hand and a Clapper. Yo momma has a wooden afro with an "X" carved in the back. Yo momma has green hair and thinks she's a tree. Yo momma has one ear and has to take off her hat to hear what you're saying. Yo momma has a 'fro with warning lights. Yo momma has 10 fingers--all on the same hand. Yo momma has a glass eye with a fish in it. Yo momma has a short leg and walks in circles. Yo momma has a short arm and can't applaude. Yo momma got so many freckles she looks like a hamburger! Yo momma got two wooden legs and one is one backward. Yo momma got three fingers and a banjo. Yo momma got a wooden leg with a kickstand on it. Yo momma got a bald head with a part and sideburns. Yo momma got a' afro, wit' a chin strap!!!! Yo momma got a wooden leg with branches. Yo momma got so many teeth missing, it looks like her tounge is in jail. Yo momma got a metal afro with rusty sideburns. Yo momma house so small that when she orders a large pizza she had to go outside to eat it. Yo momma house so small she has to go outside to eat a large pizza. Yo momma house so small you have to go outside to change your mind. Yo momma house so dirty roaches ride around on dune buggies! Yo momma house so dirty she has to wipe her feet before she goes outside. Yo momma hair so short when she braided it they looked like stiches. Yo momma hair so short she curls it with rice. Yo momma head so big she has to step into her shirts. Yo momma head so big it shows up on radar. Yo momma head so small she use a tea-bag as a pillow. Yo momma head so small that she got her ear pierced and died. Yo momma wears knee-pads and yells "Curb Service!" Yo momma feet are so big her shoes have to have license plates! Yo momma aint so bad...she would give you the hair off of her back! Yo momma lips so big, Chap Stick had to invent a spray. It took yo momma 10 tries to get her drivers license, she couldnt get used to the front seat! You were born out of your mother's arse 'cos her cunt was too busy. Yo momma hips are so big, people set their drinks on them. Yo momma hair so nappy she has to take Tylenol just to comb it. Yo momma so clumsy she got tangled up in a cordless phone. Yo momma so wrinkled, she has to screw her hat on. Yo momma twice the man you are. Yo momma cross-eyed and watches TV in stereo. Yo momma is missing a finger and can't count past 9. Yo momma arms are so short, she has to tilt her head to scratch her ear. Yo momma middle name is Rambo. Yo momma in a wheelchair and says, "You ain't gonna puch me 'round no more." Yo momma rouchy, the McDonalds she works in doesn't even serve Happy Meals. Yo momma so stupid was born on Independence Day and can't remember her birthday. If my dog had a face as ugly as your momma's, I'd shave his ass and make him walk backwards. Yo momma mouth so big, she speaks in surround sound. Yo momma gums are so black she spits Yoo-hoo. Yo momma breath smell so bad when she yawns her teeth duck. I saw your momma at the freak show petting the world's largest turtle. I saw your momma kicking a can down the street. I asked her what she was doing, and she said "Moving." Yo momma teeth are so rotten, when she smiles they look like dice. Yo mamma so fat, she wore a X t-shirt, and a helicopter landed on her yo mama so skinny, she hang glides with a Dorito yo mama so stupid, she thinks hamburger helper comes with another person yo mama so stupid, she thinks menopause is a button Virus Info: JOHN BOBBET VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it. (But that part will never work again.) Virus Info: OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB. Virus Info: PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack -- once if by LAN; twice if by C. Virus Info: POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism." Virus Info: RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives. Virus Info: ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits. Virus Info: MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run. Virus Info: BILL CLINTON 96 VIRUS: This virus will say anything to you to get into your computer. But once you let it in, does anything it wants to. It has been known to lie and cheat on its mother board. You know your computer has this virus when your screen turns white and spells out water. Virus Info: TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor. Virus Info: ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back. Virus Info: DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe jsut cant figyour out watt! Virus Info: GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine. Virus Info: NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it. Virus Info: FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer. Virus Info: GALLUP VIRUS: 60% of the PCs infected will lose 38% of their data 14% of the time (+ or - a 3.5% margin of error). Virus Info: TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file. Virus Info: CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #1: The computer locks up, screens splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem. Virus Info: CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything. Virus Info: AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore. Virus Info: AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting. Virus Info: MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus. Virus Info: FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard. Virus Info: PBS VIRUS: Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money. Virus Info: ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self-destructs --only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America. Virus Info: OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder. Virus Info: SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks. Virus Info: JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again. Virus Info: KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy. Virus Info: IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot-up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy. Virus Info: STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before. Virus Info: HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and sends you a bill for 4,500 bucks. Virus Info: GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs ... no new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus. Virus Info: NEW YORK JETS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT. Virus Info: LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense." Virus Info: CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it. Virus Info: ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS: Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, its programmer will take it back. Virus Info: O.J. VIRUS: It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it. Virus Info: BOUCHARD VIRUS: Attempts to remove the hard drive from your computer. If that doesn't work it terminates and stays resident at public expense. Virus Info: CANADA POST VIRUS: It would have infected you if it hadn't gotten lost transferring to your hard disk. Virus Info: HP MARKETING VIRUS: Attempts to make you belive that your 3000 is a 9000, then disappears. Virus Info: PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS: Your system works fine, but it complains loudly about foriegn software. Virus Info: COLIN POWELL VIRUS: Makes its presence known, but doesn't do anything. Virus Info: HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS: Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later, in another directory. Virus Info: O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS: You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but you can't prove it. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... When you pass out while trying to move a pencil across the desk with the Force. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... when you get jealous of luke because his light saber is double the size of yours You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You found this page with intentions of locating the Star Wars "greek" club. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You would love to have Frank Oz stick his hand up your ass so you can be as wise as Yoda You know you're a Star Wars geek when... When you get into a fight, you automaticly find yourself reaching for a lightsaber... You know you're a Star Wars geek when... If you get your head stuck in a bucket pretending your Darth Vader You know you're a Star Wars geek when... When you spend time watching the Star Wars trilogy because you think there will be a test on it later. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You punch out trekkies who say "Death star my ass, I'd like to see those losers take out DS9". You know you're a Star Wars geek when... With a blue-tinted plastic tube, a flashlight, two hours of a saturday night, and 4 rolls of blue electrical tape, you finally complete your own working "Light-saber" You know you're a Star Wars geek when... Your room is filthy except for your "Star Wars Area." You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You put on a luminous coloured condom and walk around humming, pretending you're a light-saber You know you're a Star Wars geek when... you name your right hand 'Leia' You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You waste three hours and 8,000 brain cells a day coming up with jokes for this page. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You think you are the life of the party because you imitate Yoda's voice and have him say things a Jedi master wouldn't say. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... Whenever you get in trouble, you mutter "I have a bad feeling about this." You know you're a Star Wars geek when... when you listen for Obi-Wan while attempting to parralell park. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... When your father asks you how fast your car is, you reply,"Fast enough for you, old man." You know you're a Star Wars geek when... When you need to go to the toilet, you say "Intensify Foward firepower, I don't want anything to get through" You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You ram a model X-Wing up someone else's asshole and congratulate yourself for finding the only weak spot. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... Your girlfriend is called "Jabba the Slut." You know you're a Star Wars geek when... you don't have any money to buy food or clothes but you have a kick-ass STAR WARS collection. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You swear you saw Obi-Wan in your Cheerios. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You get caught doing your Darth Vader impression in the bathroom. (what are you doing in there son? *heavy breathing*YOUR POWERS ARE WEAK OLD MAN!!!!) You know you're a Star Wars geek when... when you wake up screaming, "Luke it's a trap!" You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You know you're a Star Wars geek when you unsuccessfully get the last cheerio in the bowl and instinctively mutter, "The Force is strong in this one." You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You start to see visions of Ben Kenobi telling you to go to bed. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... When you spend eight hours at the library printing this crap out over and over... You know you're a Star Wars geek when... when your girlfriend says you have a small dick and you say "You underestimate the power of the force." You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You Find yourself Getting Beaten up for saying everyone's lines 2 seconds before they do in the theatre. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... When... Your first sentence was "I have a bad feeling about this." You know you're a Star Wars geek when... When you find yourself quoting the opening lines of "A New Hope".....and don't stop until 125 minutes later. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You curse out people that go,"Yeah! I know who Obi-Wan Kenobi is! Isn't he that guy with the funky ears that goes,"Live Long and Prosper?" You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You punch out people that say,"But I thought Han Solo flew the Enterprise?" You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You can't resist to hum when you turn on a flashlight You know you're a Star Wars geek when... Before sex, you look at your penis and say "Get in there, you furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!" You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You're a Star Wars geek when your teacher hands you your test back and says "commas are your weakness." You shoot back: "And your faith in your friends is yours!" You know you're a Star Wars geek when... When someone talks about people getting abducted by little green men you say, "Yoda would never do such a thing!" You know you're a Star Wars geek when... you actually feel the need to attack Star Wars geeks with a camera to prove that you are not of their kind. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... after looking at your tiny dick you remember yoda's saying "size matters not." You know you're a Star Wars geek when... when, you're drunker than you've ever been in your life and still know that the possibilitiy of successfully navigating an asteroid field is 3,720 to one. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You buy 2 copies of the trilogy just so you could have the full Darth Vader Helmet. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You go around the streets of New York afraid that there will be a band of Tusken Raiders just around the corner. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You think winning one of those cool (sarcasm there) Star Wars ccg tournament T-shirts will get you some chicks. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... you're car gets stuck in some mud and you try to use your mental powers to get it out. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You think you're the coolest guy on Hoth. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You start a posse with all your friends and call yourselves the Rebel Alliance. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... Your goal in life is to destroy the Death Star and save the universe. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You're reading this web page while in your Star Wars under-wear. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You wish you had a father as cool as Darth Vader. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... This web page really offends you. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You name your three sons Luke, Han and Chewbacca. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You travel the world seeking Yoda. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You make an X-Wing out of legos, hop into it and push it off the empire state building and while you're in the air you wonder why it isn't working. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You go into bars expecting to find a whole assortment of aliens and other living beings. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You're in the mental institution just because you asked someone for directions to Tatooine. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You know more about the history of Dagobah then you do about Earth. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... Your only dis is "I could have been your father but Chewbacca beat me up the stairs." You know you're a Star Wars geek when... Your imaginary friend is named C3-P0. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... Two words... NO LIFE! You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You finish every sentence with "may the force be with you!" You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You started crying when your mom told you that Yoda wasn't real. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You hope that one-day, you will have every card in your Star Wars customizable card game collection. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You go into the pet store and ask if they sell tauntauns. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You legally change your name Luke Skywalker. (No offense to Luke Skywalker, Bellaire, TX) :) You know you're a Star Wars geek when... Your name is ILYA SAPIRO!!! (That's for you Ilya!) You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You name your trashcan R2-D2.You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You start sending me hate mail because I hurt your feeling by making this page. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You can't wait for that big Star Wars ccg tournament tomorrow!! You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You keep watching the film over and over and over again just to make sure you didn't miss anything. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You know that you could recite the whole Star Wars trilogy script backwards. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... you get drunk one night and you DO recite the whole Star Wars trilogy script backwards! You know you're a Star Wars geek when... After awhile, you begin liking those annoying fucking Ewoks! You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You go out searching for another geek who will play the Star Wars ccg with you. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... Your search proves useless so you start playing the Star Wars ccg by yourself. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... Your unofficial nickname is "Star Wars geek." You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You're wondering "why the hell am I reading this crap? I could be watching Star Wars right now!" You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You start working on a robot that is used as a Star Wars ccg companion. Coincidentally, it looks exactly like C3-P0!!! (Coincidence? I think NOT!) You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You constantly ask your friends to join the dark side. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You have already reserved your seat for the next Star Wars movie. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You cry when the Ewoks die in Return of the Jedi. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You try to impress girls by doing your Chewbacca imitation. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You're thinking about starting a religious cult centering around the Force. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You wake up hung over and you think it's because of the effects of carbonite freezing. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You think you have a bounty on your head and you think that Boba Fett is chasing you. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You start a fight with a car salesman because you argue that a land-speeder could outrun a BMW. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You actually kill Star Trek fans. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... Your best pick-up line is "Hey baby, wanna see my light saber?" You know you're a Star Wars geek when... Your parents buy you a TIE Fighter for your 18th birthday. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You try to access this site by using the force. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You hang upside down from tree limbs and yell, "HEY EVERYONE, IM LUKE SKYWALKER!!!" You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You are so obsessed that you make up an alternate past convinced that Luke Skywalker is your father and you're only on Earth because you're being hidden from the Empire You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You have wet dreams about princess Leia. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You analyze the Star Wars trilogy for your Astronomy term paper. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You take the time to make a web page entitled "You Know You're a Star Wars Geek When..." You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You get up every morning and you can't wait to blast some Imperial Storm Troopers! You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You look in the yellow pages to see if a Jedi training center really does exist. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You join the military in hopes of using Imperial blasters. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You get mad when you see Chewbacca misspelled. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You wonder why the "authentic light saber" you bought for 400 dollars doesn't work. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You don't understand why Hitler didn't make a death star. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... When you are in trouble, you swear you hear a voice telling you : "Use the Force, Luke." You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You think of Yoda as a most superior teacher and look to the star wars trilogy for his guidance and counseling. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You become a linguistic major in the hopes of one-day being fluent in over 6 million forms of communication. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You constantly correct people on their Star Wars literacy. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... When you find this page true to life. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You give your little brother a model X-wing to build for his birthday, with the intention of stealing it and making it yourself! You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You camp out in front of Toys R' Us in order to be the first to get the new Luke Skywalker action figure. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You debate with a Trekkie if the "Enterprise" could win a fight with an Imperial Star-destroyer You know you're a Star Wars geek when... When you complain that Spaceballs was a mockery of society. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... Your idea of a fun Bachelor's Party is watching the trilogy with the sound off, reciting the lines by heart. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You are reading this, and to your horror, find that you can identify with most of the things listed. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You call your enemies "Rebel scum." You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You wake up in the morning and make sure you're right hand is still there. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You actually know what the Star Wars CCG is. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... Your best excuse is "It was a Jedi Mind trick, I swear." You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You call your piece of shit car the "Millenium Falcon." You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You write a cruel Star Wars joke, in hope that you can fool people, believing that you're not a Star Wars freak. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You actually sit down, taking your time to write a Star Wars joke on this crappy page. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... Your walls a covered with nude pictures of Princess Leia. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... Your walls a covered with nude pictures of Obi Wan Kenobi. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... Every night, the emperor contacts you in your dreams and makes you do evil things. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You write alternative scripts to the trilogy because, in your opinion, "Chewbacca would never say that." You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You embroider Corellian blood-stripes on your blue jeans, alter and mangle a perfectly good leather belt, and then wear the items to bars in the hope that someone might try to hire you and your ship. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... Not only can you recite every word along with the trilogy, you can accurately replicate every beep and whistle made by R2-D2. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... Nobody, but nobody confuses Star Wars and Star Trek in your presence and lives to tell about it. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You think you next door neighbor works for Jabba the Hutt. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... When you ask people to call you "Jedi Master" You know you're a Star Wars geek when... For one brief moment you nurture the hope that there might actually be naked Princess Leia posters. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You made numerous attempts on Mel Brooks' life after SpaceBalls was made. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You get together with your cousin once a year to trade Star Wars stuff. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... All of the "Star Wars" terms used on this page actually make sense to you. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You have this web page on bookmark. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You play the soundtrack during your wedding ceremony You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You nervously check each and every one of these jokes against your own behavior, hoping it doesn't match up. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You run around the room with your friend (also a Star Wars Geek) using broomsticks as light sabers. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... The guy at the rental place hands you the whole trilogy as you walk in the door. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... When you open your miniature "LIGHTSABER" only to find eight sweet candy disks, OH NO... It must be the work of the Dark Side! You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You continuously check your local record store for the latest from the Max Rebo Band. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... you're date to the senior prom is your trilogy. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You refer to the movies only by ANH, TESB, ROTJ and people wonder what the hell you are talking about. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... when everyone else is sleeping, you stare into the night sky and begin to cry because you want to be an x-wing pilot You know you're a Star Wars geek when... When you get your student loan check at last and instead of buying books you buy that light-saber replica out of "Jawa Trader." You know you're a Star Wars geek when... you get pulled over by a cop and tell him "you don't need to see my identification." You know you're a Star Wars geek when... When you're playing a card game, you think to yourself "what would Lando do in a time like this?" You know you're a Star Wars geek when... your car doesn't start and you check the alluvial dampers with your hydro-spanner You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You insist your dog is a wookie co-pilot and let him sit in the passenger seat while everyone else is crammed in the back. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... When you get in arguments with your friends over which is more popular: the force, or Spock's Vulcan death grip You know you're a Star Wars geek when... When you imagine you girlfriend (but everyone knows Star Wars geeks don't have girlfriends) is Princess Leia while you are making out. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... When you wonder just how bad Chewie must smell. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... When, instead of carrying pictures of family or friends, you carry a picture of Leia in your wallet You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You see "Raiders of the Lost Arc" and say to yourself "What the Hell is Han Solo doing with a whip? Why doesn't he just blast those Nazi bastards?" You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You've bought eighteen copies of the trilogy just in case you lose one. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You pretend your cat's sandbox is Saarlac and shove G.I. Joes in it. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You search for remains of Alderaan in your backyard You know you're a Star Wars geek when... When you cut open your dog and try to stick your best friend inside to keep him warm. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You make the Kessal Run in less than twelve parsecs You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You try to prove in biology class how the wallaby is a distant relative to the tauntaun You know you're a Star Wars geek when... Your annual essay on "What I did for Summer Vacation" begins with something like "I watched Star Wars 1,285 and a half times..." You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You swear revenge on the deaths of all Ewoks. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You suspect your brother has succumbed to the Dark Side. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You make heavy breathing sounds to intimidate Trekkies. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You demand a recount on the Oscar ballot for Best Picture, 1977. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You defend C-3PO's sexuality (HE is NOT gay, goddammit!) You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You sit for hours trying to figure out some other dumb ending to the phrase "You know you're a Star Wars geek when..." You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You have murderous thoughts about people who say to you, "Star Wars, OH YEAH! Isn't that the one with the bald captain?" You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You wonder what sex with Yoda would be like. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You write letters to the president to tell him to enslave all the Trekkies. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... Whenever your parents walk in the room, they get mad at you because you won't stop saying, "Unexpected this is, and unfortunate." You know you're a Star Wars geek when... when you put your Solo and Princess Leia figures in erotic positions You know you're a Star Wars geek when... whenever you go out with your friends, you walk single file to hide your numbers. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You answer to the name "Luke" "Chewie" "Han" or "Leia" quicker than you answer to your own You know you're a Star Wars geek when... when you refer to the trilogy as "the Bible" You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You are obsessed with thoughts of the Empire conquering the United Federation of Planets You know you're a Star Wars geek when... Your hood ornament on your new Izuzu Trooper is the severed head of a stormtrooper. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You refer to having sex with your Girlfriend (not that we have any) as "Falling into the Sarlacc" You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You have copied the movies on to cassette tapes and listen to them in the car. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You used to laugh at people who purchased thing off the home shopping channel until you discovered you couldn't live with out the Luke and Leia pot holders. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You have an Imperial Star Destroyer tattooed on your ass. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You use a star wars quote to get you out of every sticky situation you come into. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... Your action figures are in better shape than you are. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... you open packages of Star Trek figurines and rip Picard's head off. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... you point out that LUKE pronounced backwards... You know you're a Star Wars geek when... you agree with the Ewoks--C3PO IS a god. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... when Yoda tells Ben, "there is another [Jedi]..." you'd swear he winks at you You know you're a Star Wars geek when... you see the line "A long time ago..." and wonder what they're all doing now You know you're a Star Wars geek when... you begin to compete with Han for Leia's love You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You get the full figure cut out of Luke Skywalker and have him as your best man in your wedding. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... Instead of priding yourself with being able to burp the ABC's as a kid, you burped, "the Imperial March." You know you're a Star Wars geek when... your oral reports in history begin with "a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away..." You know you're a Star Wars geek when... your new year's eve highlight was the light-saber battle in the kitchen. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... you dream about dueling Darth Vader with a 1/2 inch long light-saber and you wake up holding your dick. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... When you start thinking "God, 3PO has the best ass!" You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You claim to feel a disturbance in the force every time someone farts. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... you choke your little brother to death, then claim his lack of faith disturbed you. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... When your mom finds you curled up in a blanket saying, "Red Five, Standing by." You know you're a Star Wars geek when... you're convinced that you will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy than at a star trek convention. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... you can't sleep because your afraid of the Darth Vader cut out in the Corner of your room You know you're a Star Wars geek when... when you're having sex and you hear Obi Won telling you to "use the force" You know you're a Star Wars geek when... When you can't get to sleep without your Glow-In-The-Dark Yoda Night-Light. You know you're a Star Wars geek when... You spend hours at the dinner table constructing a Death Star made of mashed potatoes. Things cut out of the Star Wars Trilogy... When Vader is walking down the hall and you hear George Lucas shout, "David your fly is open!" Things cut out of the Star Wars Trilogy... Jawas hood falls down to reveal piece of coardboard with yellow buttons on them. Things cut out of the Star Wars Trilogy... While talking to R2 you hear Anthony Daniels say, "Oh shut the F*** up you miserable puke!" Things cut out of the Star Wars Trilogy... When Carrie Fisher steps in Ewok shit. Things cut out of the Star Wars Trilogy... When Jeremy Bulloch(Boba Fett) accidently trips and falls on jabba and a midget squirts out of him. Things cut out of the Star Wars Trilogy... Wedge begins to cry after Porkins dies. Things cut out of the Star Wars Trilogy... When Billy Dee began to shout obscentities at Nien Numb. Things cut out of the Star Wars Trilogy... When a Storm Trooper fell over and his helmet rolled off as a monkey popped out. Things cut out of the Star Wars Trilogy... When Luke is battling the Tusken Raider, he knocks of his mask to reveal George Lucas. Things cut out of the Star Wars Trilogy... When a sudden draft blows up the emperors robe revealing, "oddly shaped underpants." Han Solo's Pet Peeves.... Having to live with the name "Han". Han Solo's Pet Peeves.... People always walk up to him and say, "Hey, you look just like Indiana Jones!" Han Solo's Pet Peeves.... Chewbacca won't shut the hell up! "Argghhh" this and "Arrggghhh" that. Han Solo's Pet Peeves.... Leia's finally wearing a skimpy slave girl outfit, and Han's blind! Han Solo's Pet Peeves.... Ben Kenobi's ghost always appears in his room every night saying, "Crazy old wizard, huh?!" Han Solo's Pet Peeves.... Never got money for rescuing Leia. Han Solo's Pet Peeves.... When in Mos Eisley, gay guys try to pick him up. Han Solo's Pet Peeves.... C3pO....who the hell doesn't? Han Solo's Pet Peeves.... People who borrow things they promise not to damage and then fly them into a superweapon trying to save the galaxy(talk about inconsiderate). Han Solo's Pet Peeves.... That damn hyperdrive never works! Perverted sayings in Star Wars..... "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!" Perverted sayings in Star Wars..... "Look at the size of that thing!" Perverted sayings in Star Wars..... "C'mon Luke, let's blow this thing and go home!" Perverted sayings in Star Wars..... "I've felt him my master." Perverted sayings in Star Wars..... "Ahhh, yes. The Jedi's weapon...much like your father's." Perverted sayings in Star Wars..... "You judge me by my size, do you?" Perverted sayings in Star Wars..... "I can't it's too big." Perverted sayings in Star Wars..... "R2 you can't repair the Hyperdrive, your not finished with me yet..." Perverted sayings in Star Wars..... "Put that thing away, your gonna' get us all killed..." Perverted sayings in Star Wars..... "Get in there you big furry off, I don't care what you smell!" Ways that you know you bought a second rate Death Star.... The Jawas sold it to you at a loss. Ways that you know you bought a second rate Death Star.... All the passageways lead to bottomless pits. Ways that you know you bought a second rate Death Star.... The "Intel Inside" sticker is starting to peel off. Ways that you know you bought a second rate Death Star.... It has the "ability to destroy planets", but is insignificant next to the power of the force. Ways that you know you bought a second rate Death Star.... It has a small thermal exaust port just belwo the main port. Ways that you know you bought a second rate Death Star.... It is not a fully armed and operational battle station. Ways that you know you bought a second rate Death Star.... Wont' go into hyperspace unless you "clap twice". Ways that you know you bought a second rate Death Star.... It has "imperfect" stamped on it. Ways that you know you bought a second rate Death Star.... Doesn't come with the "Goooh-bert, Gooh-bert" sound of Darth. Ways that you know you bought a second rate Death Star.... It's only half a sphere. Things you'll *never* hear in a Star Wars movie.... "No, Lord Vader wasn't upset at all. He just said not to let it happen again!" Things you'll *never* hear in a Star Wars movie.... "Holy Crap! That Stormtrooper almost got me with that shot!" Things you'll *never* hear in a Star Wars movie.... "You know, I really miss that fat-ass Jabba character." Things you'll *never* hear in a Star Wars movie.... "Your right kid, it *is* a piece of junk! Things you'll *never* hear in a Star Wars movie.... "Boba Fett? *That* wuss!" Things you'll *never* hear in a Star Wars movie.... "Porkins, move your fat-ass!" Things you'll *never* hear in a Star Wars movie.... "Scotty!! We need more power!" Things you'll *never* hear in a Star Wars movie.... "Hey Leia!! Nice ass!" Things you'll *never* hear in a Star Wars movie.... "I have a *great* feeling about this. Things you'll *never* hear in a Star Wars movie.... "I agree with c3po." Surprises in the new star wars.... Part of Chewbacca now played by a shirtless Ed Asner. Surprises in the new star wars.... Commander of the Death Star: Dr. Kevorkian. Surprises in the new star wars.... Land speeders replaced with bitchin' pink Miatas. Surprises in the new star wars.... Comic relief provided by Cheech Marin as Luke Skywalker's wacky mexican caddy. Surprises in the new star wars.... Darth Vader's voice goes up 3 octaves after Dennis Rodman kicks him in the groin. Surprises in the new star wars.... Instead of "May the force be with you," Obi Wan Kenobi says, "Show me the money." Surprises in the new star wars.... Keeps coming on the P.A. to point out clouds that look like his old high school teachers. Surprises in the new star wars.... Luke and Darth Vader work together to beat the crap out of a bunch of Trekkies. Surprises in the new star wars.... New scene in which Jabba The Hutt is hugged by a sobbing Richard Simmons. Surprises in the new star wars.... R2D2? Gay Scenes that didn't make it into the "Star Wars Special Editions"... C-3po discovering that the Jawa he just dropped into the fire wasn't quite dead. Scenes that didn't make it into the "Star Wars Special Editions"... Uncle Owen backhanding Luke to get him to stop whining about power converters. Scenes that didn't make it into the "Star Wars Special Editions"... The startled Ronto taking a giant crap on the Mos Eisley street. Scenes that didn't make it into the "Star Wars Special Editions"... Han Solo backhanding Luke to get him to stop whining about the 10,000 credits. Scenes that didn't make it into the "Star Wars Special Editions"... Porkins with his shirt off eating fried cheese. Scenes that didn't make it into the "Star Wars Special Editions"... Obi-wan backhanding Luke to get him to stop whining about going to Alderaan. Scenes that didn't make it into the "Star Wars Special Editions"... The C-3PO/R2-D2 car chase from the Palace Hotel and Ballroom to the Honorable Mayor Richard J. Daley Plaza. Scenes that didn't make it into the "Star Wars Special Editions"... Darth Vader backhanding Luke to get him to stop whining about being his son. Scenes that didn't make it into the "Star Wars Special Editions"... Boba Fett actually doing something. Scenes that didn't make it into the "Star Wars Special Editions"... R2-D2 backhanding Luke to get him to stop whining about his secret mission for the alliance. GHOST SHIT: You know you've shited. There is shit on the toilet paper but none in the toilet. TEFLON COATED SHIT: Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't even feel it. No trace of shit on the toilet paper, you have to look in the toilet to be sure you did it. GOOEY SHIT: This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe 12 time and you still don't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underpants so you don't stain them. This shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet. SECOND THOUGHT SHIT: You're all done wiping and about to stand up when you realize it, you've got some more. POP A VEIN VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD SHIT : This is the kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't want to come out until you're all sweaty, trembling, and purple from straining so hard. WEIGHT WATCHERS SHIT: You shit so much that you loose several kilograms. RIGHT NOW SHIT: You better be within 30 seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber getting there. Usually, it has its head out before you get your pants down. KING KONG SHIT: This one is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually happens at someone else's house. CORK SHIT ( Also known as a floater.): Even after the third flush, it's still floating in the bowel. My god. How do I get rid of it ?? WET CHEEKS SHIT: This shit hits the water sideways and makes a big splash that gets you all wet. WISH SHIT: You sit there all cramped up for a few minutes, but no shit. CEMENT BLOCK SHIT: You wish that you'd gotten a spinal block before you shited. SNAKE SHIT: This shit is fairly soft, about as thick as your thumb, and at least three feet long. MEXICAN FOOD SHIT ( Also called the screamer.): You know it's okay to eat again when your bum stops burning. BEER DRUNK AND MEAT PIE SHIT: This happens the day after the night before. Normally your shits don't smell too bad, but this one is BAD !!. Usually this happens at someone else's house and there is someone standing outside the door waiting to use the bathroom. Things Not to Say During Sex #1: Is it in yet? #2: That's it? #3: You've got to be kidding me. #4: (phone rings) hello? oh nothing and you? #5: Do i have to pay for this? #6: Do i have to call you tomorrow? #7: Oh momma, momma! #8: Oh dadda, dadda! #9: You look better in the dark. #10: This is much better than my last girl/boyfriend. #11: I thought that goes in the other hole.... #12: Don't tell my husband/wife. #13: You have the same bra my mom does (worse if the girl says it). #14: This sucks. #15: Can you finish now? i have a meeting... #16: I hope you don't expect a raise for this... #17: I think you might get the job for this. #18: Damn! is that all you know what to do. #19: Did i tell you, i have herpes? #20: Now we must get married. #21: Hurry up, the games about to start. #22: I'm hungry. #23: I'm thirsty. #24: zzzzzzzzzzzz. #25: Are you trying to be funny? #26: Can i have a ride home after this? #27: Are those real? #28: By the way, i want to break up. #29: Is that smell coming from you? #30: Haven't you ever done this before? #31: Wow!! i've never seen those before (then grope wildly). #32: Do you know what some female spiders do after sex? #33: You're so much like your sister.... #34: Your mom's cute. #35: What's your name again? #36: Do i have to be here in the morning? #37: A second time? i barely stayed awake the first time! #38: But you just started!! #39: You're about as good as a 9 year old, and i should know!! #40: Don't touch that!! #41: Can we order a pizza? #42: I think my dad is listening at the door. #43: Smile for the camera, honey!!! #44: Take off that damn monkey glove!! #45: Get your hand out of there!! #46: I think the condom broke 10 minutes ago. #47: I knew you wore a padded bra!! #48: Cover me boys, i'm going in!!! #49: DIVE! DIVE! DIVE! #50: Fire one! #51: God, that is small!! #52: Hold on, let me change the channel... #53: Who smells like fish? #54: Is it o.k. if my mom (and/or dad) joins in? #55: Your best-friend does it much better. #56: Hope you don't mind i left my boots on. #57: Hurry up, the motor's runnin'. #58: You're fogging up the wind-sheild. #59: Can i borrow 5 bucks? #60: What the hell noise was that?! #61: Stop moaning, you sound so stupid. #62: Shut up, bitch! (worse if the girl says it) #63: You know, you're not really attractive. #64: I'm sorry, i was not listening. #65: What, oh yea, i love you too, now let me concentrate!! #66: Stop interrupting me!! #67: I have to take a shit. #68: Did i leave the iron on? #69: Your breath is funky. #70: Start singing Green Day. #71: Is it o.k. if i call someone, its o.k. though, keep going.... #72: Its ok honey, i can imagine that its bigger. #73: God i wish you were a real woman. #74: Why can't you ever shave your legs? #75: By the way, when i drove over here, i ran over your dog.... #76: Oh susan, susan... i mean donna.... shit. #77: Your breast milk is like my mom's.... #78: You're hairy!! #79: Your "happy trail" led me to a dead end. #80: Is it o.k. if i never see you again? #81: Did i forget to tell you i got worms from my cat? #82: Don't make that face at me! #83: all of a sudden i have a headache. #84: you're boring. #85: i like your tits. #86: suck my dick, bitch. #87: how much do i owe you? #88: How come we each have a penis? #89: Of course you can't be on top, you're too fat, you'l kill me! #90: Your ass is hairy (the guy says this). #91: Just use your finger, its bigger. #92: Does your family have to watch? #93: We'll try again later when you can satisfy me too. #94: Get off me, i'll do it myself!!!! #95: Can you hold this sandwhich for me? #96: You're as soft as a sheep, inside and out. #97: The only reason i'm doing this is because i'm drunk. #98: My mom taught me this..... #99: How cute... peach fuzz! #100: Damn girl! my tits are bigger than your's! #101: Should i ask why you're bleeding? #102: This is my pet rat, larry.... #103: If you can't do it, i'll find someone else who can! #104: I haven't had this much sex since i was a hooker! #106: Wanna see me take out my glass eye? #107: No i don't love your mind, i can't grab that!! #108: Is it o.k. if i tell my friends about this? #109: I'm sobering up and you're getting ugly! #110: You wanted me to use a condom? #111: You're no better than my brother!! #112: Mooooo!! #113: Fire in the hole!!! #114: I wanna see how many quaters i can fit in there. #115: Hurry up, i'm late for a date. #116: O.k. start...oh! that feels so... YOU'RE DONE??!! #117: You ever see basic instinct? #118: I'm out of condoms, can i use a sock? #119: Don't squirm, you'll spill my beer. #120: Did i tell you where my cold sore came from? #121: You got boogies showing. #122: Start reciting the 10 commandments. #123: I think i just shit on your bed. #124: Of course i don't love you. #125: Let me spell it out for you, b-r-e-a-t-h m-i-n-t. #126: Was that Cum or Piss? You know your a Redneck when.. More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general. You think the stock market has a fence around it. You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test. You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs. You've ever used lard in bed. Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame. Your home has more miles on it than your car. Your Christmas tree is still up in February. You've ever been arrested for loitering. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre. There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house. You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice. You've ever shot anyone for looking at you. You own a homemade fur coat. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list. You've totaled every car you've ever owned. There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car. Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette. There is a wasp nest in your living room. The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice. You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday. There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door. You burn your front yard rather than mow it. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment. Fewer than half of your cars run. You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys. The taillight covers of your car are made of tape. Your car has never had a full tank of gas. Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash. Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem. You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap. Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days. Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it. Your momma doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her a--. You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by. Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states. You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin' dog. You're an expert on worm beds. The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house. Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!" Your family tree does not fork. The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls. You haul more than U-Haul. There is a gun rack on your bicycle. Your wedding was held in the delivery room. Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener. Your wife's hairdo attracts bees. Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers." The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes. Your primary source of income is the pawn shop. You pick your teeth from a catalog. You've ever financed a tattoo. You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in." Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan. Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event. You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill. You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap. The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade. You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights. Your brother-in-law is your uncle. You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one. You go to the family reunion to pick up women. your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language. You can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture. None of your shirts cover your stomach. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup. The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland. You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month. Birds are attracted to your beard. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute". Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board. Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding. Bikers back down from your momma. You were shooting pool when your kids were born. Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet. You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader. You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial. Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos". You think a chain saw is a musical instrument. You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow. The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the h--l are you looking at, Sh-thead?" You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups. You've ever shot a deer from inside your house. The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!", "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin'?" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!) You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior. You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom. You clean your nails with a stick. You prefer car keys to Q-tips. Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included. People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy. You've ever worn shorts to a funeral home. You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time. You've ever been too drunk to fish. You've ever bought a used cap. You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures. You've ever used a weedeater indoors. Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting. You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run). You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right' You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge. Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it. In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite. Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack. You go to a tupperware party for a haircut. You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care. The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road". Your dog and your wallet are both on chains. Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income. You fainted when you met Slim Whitman. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people". You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car. Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging. You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car. You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions. Red Man sends you a Christmas card. The Salvation Army declines your mattress. You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does. You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind". You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis. You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison. You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. (Is that a bad mental image or what?) You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut. The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair. You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard. Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it." Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator. You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow. You mow your lawn and find a car. You can spit without opening your mouth. Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight. You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift. You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again. You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food. You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter. You have to go down to the creek to take a bath. You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest". You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year. You've never paid for a haircut. You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear. There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck. You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just"misunderstood". You've ever made change in the offering plate. The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year." You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve... You own at least 20 baseball hats. You think a 'cursor' is someone who swears a lot. You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat. You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head. When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank. Your screen door has no screen. Your biggest ambition in live is to "git that big ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..." Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them. Your grandfather completely executes the "pull my finger" trick at the family reunion. When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not. You have a house that's mobile and five cars that aren't. You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end." Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in. You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds. You have an Elvis Jell-o mold. You have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers. You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard. It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it. You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors. You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor. Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray. The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men. Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house The ASPCA raids your kitchen. You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it. You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it. Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell. You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado. You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something. When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans. Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town. Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck. Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock. You dated your daddy's current wife in high school. You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You". You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item. Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story) The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it). You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education. You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately. You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub. Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events. Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair. Your dad is also your favorite uncle. Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded. During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together. You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light. On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor. Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!" You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting. In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?" Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen. You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball..." You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood. You bring your dog to work with you. Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold. You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun. You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape. Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather. Your masseuse uses lard. Your wife's best shoes have steel toes. You use your fishing license as a form of I.D. On stag night, you take a real deer. You use a 55 Chevy as a guest house. Your back porch is bigger than your house. There is more oil in your cap than in your car. You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture. A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat. An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall. You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth. You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips. Your secret family recipe is illegal. Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve. Your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard. Your coat-of-arms features kudzu. Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown. You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs. Your best ashtray is a turtle shell. Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A. You think cur is a breed of dog. People hear your car long before they see it. Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA. Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids. Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels. Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor. Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat". You've ever hitchhiked naked, You're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer. You use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle. Your bumper sticker says, "My other car is a combine." The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot. The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth. Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse. Taking a dip has nothing to do with water. There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog. You take a fishing pole to Sea World. The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car. You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course. You've ever shot somebody over a mall parking space. Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it. You think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport. The receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business. You list your parole officer as a reference. There are more fish on your wall than pictures. Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming. There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets. You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup. You've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature. Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped. Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch. You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored. You think the French Riviera is a foreign car. You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard. Quote-Of-The-Day: "In Heaven an angel is nobody in particular." George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) Quote-Of-The-Day: "We want a few mad people now. See where the sane ones have landed us!" George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) Quote-Of-The-Day: "Oh the nerves, the nerves; the mysteries of this machine called man! Oh the little that unhinges it, poor creatures that we are!" Charles Dickens (1812-70) Quote-Of-The-Day: "Assassination is the extreme form of censorship." George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) Quote-Of-The-Day: "The secret of being miserable is to have leisure to bother about whether you are happy or not. The cure for it is occupation." George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) Quote-Of-The-Day: "We want a few mad people now. See where the sane ones have landed us!" George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) Quote-Of-The-Day: "When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty." George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) Quote-Of-The-Day: "My spelling is Wobbly. It's good spelling but it Wobbles, and the letters get in the wrong places." A. A. Milne (1882-1958) Quote-Of-The-Day: "Here's the rule for bargains: "Do other men, for they would do you." That's the true business precept." Charles Dickens (1812-70) Quote-Of-The-Day: "We have no more right to consume happiness without producing it than to consume wealth without producing it." George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) Quote-Of-The-Day: "It was as true as taxes is. And nothing's truer than them." Charles Dickens (1812-70) Quote-Of-The-Day: "A wonderful fact to reflect upon, that every human creature is constituted to be that profound secret and mystery to every other." Charles Dickens (1812-70) Quote-Of-The-Day: "Man can climb to the highest summits, but he cannot dwell there long." George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) Computers Q: Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up? A: Because DEC 25 = OCT 31 Q: Did you hear about the Microsoft crystal ball? A: Ask it something and it replies: "Answer unclear. Add 20 Meg of RAM and ask again later." Q: How many MS engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, they just define darkness as an industry standard! Q: Why don't the British build computers? A: Because they can't figure out how to make them leak oil! Have you heard about the new Cray? It's so fast, it executes an infinite loop in 6 seconds. Have you heard about the new Cray? It's so fast, it requires TWO halt instructions to stop it! I heard that Bill Gates's wedding night will be less than blissful for his new bride. She will find out why his company is named Microsoft. A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate cake without ketchup and mustard. My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii. She sells C shells by the seashore. A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do. A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken. A list is only as strong as its weakest link. - Don Knuth After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn. Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system. Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts. I bet the human brain is a kludge. - Marvin Minsky I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on tape somewhere. If God had intended Man to program, we would be born with serial I/O ports. Real programs don't eat cache. Shift to the left! Shift to the right! Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte! Supercomputer: Turns CPU-bound problem into I/O-bound problem. - Ken Batcher Swap read error. You lose your mind. This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory. This screen intentionally left blank. You forgot to do your backup 16 days ago. Tomorrow you'll need that version. You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it! My sister gave up on Computing Dating after she was stood up by two mainframes, a mini, and a laptop. The Queue Principle: The longer you wait in line, the greater the likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line. The program is absolutely right; therefore the computer must be wrong. All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of UUO's, and a warm place to SHIFT. "Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from. Earth is 98% full...please delete anyone you can. 10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0. A bad random number generator: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 4.33e+67, 1, 1, 1 A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected. A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do. A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken. CCCP:> format CCCP: /u After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn. All computers run at the same speed...with the power off. An elephant is a mouse with an operating system. And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode. Another megabytes the dust. Any given program will expand to fill available memory. Any nitwit can understand computers. Many do. - Ted Nelson Any program that runs right is obsolete. Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature. - Kulawiec APL is a write-only language. - Roy Keir Artificial Intelligence: Making computers behave like they do in the movies. As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. - Weisert As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code. Asking whether machines can think is like asking whether submarines can swim. Avoid temporary variables and strange women. Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers. - Tom Lehrer Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers. - Leonard Brandwein Brain fried; core dumped. Breakthrough: It finally booted on the first try. CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh.. Compatible: Gracefully accepts erroneous data from any source. Computer and car salesmen differ in that the latter know when they are lying. Computer programmers do it byte by byte. Computers are a more fun way to do the same work you'd have to do without them. Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. - Pablo Picasso To define recursion, we must first define recursion. The Soviet Union does not exist any more in its present format. Diagnostics are the programs that run when nothing else will. Disc space, the final frontier! Disclaimer: Any errors in spelling, tact, or fact are transmission errors. Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts. Don't let the computer bugs bite! Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time. E Pluribus UNIX. Emacs is a nice operating system, but I prefer UNIX. - Tom Christiansen Every program in development at MIT expands until it can read mail. Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits. Everybody needs a little love sometime; stop hacking and fall in love! f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng. Foolproof operation: All parameters are hard coded. fortune: No such file or directory Futuristic: It will only run on a next generation supercomputer. God is real, unless declared integer. God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man. Hackers have kernel knowledge. Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory! Host System Not Responding, Probably Down. Do you want to wait? (Y/N) How an engineer writes a program: Start by debugging an empty file... How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows. How was Thomas J. Watson buried? 9 edge down. I am a computer, dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator. I am still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie. I am the computer your mother warned you about. Nobody has ever, ever, EVER learned all of WordPerfect. I came, I saw, I deleted all your files. Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2. I must have slipped a disk; my pack hurts. I smell a wumpus. If a program is useful, it must be changed. If a program is useless, it must be documented. If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station? If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer. My computer NEVER crashes If I had it all to do over again, I'd spell creat with an "e". - Kernighan If it was easy, the hardware people would take care of it. In computer science, we stand on each other's feet. - Brian Reid In God we trust; all else we walk through. It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit. It is ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are? Kiss your keyboard goodbye! Last one out, turn off the computer! Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code. Lisp Users: Due to the holiday, there will be no garbage collection on Monday. LISP: To call a spade a thpade. Long computations that yield zero are probably all for naught. Machine-independent: Does not run on any existing machine. Manual Writer's Creed: Garbage in, gospel out. Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. - R. S. Barton Meets quality standards: Compiles without errors. MIPS: Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed. Netnews is like yelling, "Anyone want to buy a used car?" in a crowded theater. Never trust a computer you can't lift. - Stan Masor Never trust a computer you can't throw out the window. - S. Hunt Nice computers don't go down. No line available at 300 baud. No program done by a hacker will work unless he is on the system. No program done by an undergrad will work after she graduates. Old mail has arrived. Old programmers never die; they just branch to a new address. On a clear disk you can seek forever. - Denning One if by LAN, two if by C. - Paul Revere, as told by John Karwoski One man's constant is another man's variable. - Perlis One person's error is another person's data. One picture is worth 128K words. Overflow on /dev/null; please empty the bit bucket. People who deal with bits should expect to get bitten. - Jon Bentley Portable: Survives system reboot. Profanity is the one language all programmers know best. My Go this amn keyboar oesn't have any 's. Programming Department: Mistakes made while you wait. Programming is an art form that fights back. Programming is an unnatural act. Programming just with goto's is like swatting flies with a sledgehammer. Protect your software at all costs; all else is meat. Random access is the optimum of the mass storages. My mail reader can beat up your mail reader. Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular? Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU. Revolutionary: Disk drives go round and round. Save energy: Drive a smaller shell. SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out! - Ken Thompson Backups? We don't *NEED* no steenking baX%^~,VbKx NO CARRIER Software is to computers as yeast is to dough. - Chuck Bradshaw Some programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand progress. Structured Programming supports the law of the excluded muddle. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound? <-------- The information went data way ---------> System going down at 1:45 for disk crashing. System going down at 5 pm to install scheduler bug. Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult. - R. S. Barton That does not compute. The attention span of a computer is only as long as its power cord. The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer. The determined programmer can write a FORTRAN program in any language. The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. The moving cursor prints, and having printed, blinks on. The next generation of computers will have a "Warranty Expired" interrupt. The program is absolutely right; therefore, the computer must be wrong. The steady state of disks is full. - Ken Thompson The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output. The world is coming to an end... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!! "Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean? There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works. There must be more to life than compile-and-go. grep..grep..grep.. (frog with UNIX stuck in it's throat. This login session: $13.76, but for you: $11.88. This screen intentionally left blank. This system will self-destruct in five minutes. Those who can't write, write help files. Those who can, do. Those who cannot, teach. Those who cannot teach, HACK! Thrashing is just virtual crashing. To be, or not to be, those are the parameters. To err is human; to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System. To err is human; to really foul things up requires a computer. To iterate is human; to recurse, divine. - Robert Heller Unprecedented performance: Nothing ever ran this slow before. Variables won't; constants aren't. - Osborn What do computer engineers use for birth control? Their personalities. What this country needs is a good five-cent microcomputer. Where the system is concerned, you are not allowed to ask "Why?". Why do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many stupid uter programming as QWERTY is to typing. - Seymour Papert Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom. Choose variable names that will not be confused. Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. - Gilb Computers talk to each other worse than their designers do. Computers... are not designed, as we are, for ambiguity. - Thomas Controlling complexity is the essence of computer programming. - Kernigan Don't comment or patch bad code; rewrite it. Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality. Don't diddle code to make it faster; find a better algorithm. Don't document the program; program the document. Don't stop at one bug. Every bug you find is the last one. Every program is either trivial or it contains at least one bug. Expert systems are built to embody the knowledge of human experts. - Kulawiec I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. - Isaac Asimov I suppose when it gets to that point, we shan't know how it does it. - Turing If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. - Schryer If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some. In the long run, every program becomes rococco, and then rubble. - Alan Perlis It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa. It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one. Know Thy User. Let the machine do the dirty work. - Elements of Programming Style Machine independent code isn't. Make input easy to proofread. Make it right before you make it faster. Make sure all variables are initialized before use. Make sure comments and code agree. Make sure your code "does nothing" gracefully. Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time. - D. Gries Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle. - Steinbach Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes. - Jackson Never write software that anthropomorphizes the machine. Never write software that patronizes the user. No extensible language will be universal. - T. Cheatham Performance is easier to add than clarity. Replace repetitive expressions by calls to a common function. Software is best understood as a branch of movie making. - Ted Nelson Software is mind work. Having the right frame of mind is essential. The best packed information most resembles random noise. The computer is the Proteus of machines. - Seymour Papert The computing field is always in need of new cliches. - Alan Perlis The less time planning, the more time programming. The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected. (6/72) The purpose of computing is insight, not numbers. - Hamming The wise person writes bomb-proof code. There are always at least two ways to program the same thing. There are never any bugs you haven't found yet. There can never be a computer language in which you cannot write a bad program. There is no problem that, when programmed just right, isn't more complicated. To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program. Try not to let implementation details sneak into design documents. UNIX is many things to many people, but it has never been everything to anybody. Use free-form input where possible. Use GOTOs only to implement a fundamental structure. Use IF...ELSE IF...ELSE IF...ELSE... to implement multi-way branches. Watch out for off-by-one errors. When a program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes. When we write programs that "learn", it turns out we do and they don't. You don't have to know how the computer works, just how to work the computer. Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it. - Donald Knuth The only thing good about "standards" in computer science is that there are so many to choose from. After three days without programming, life becomes meaningless. - Geoffrey James, The Tao of Programming. If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce today would cost $100, get a million miles to the gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside. So when the machine truncates excess bits, it throws them under the raised floor. - Fred Felber (so THAT's why there are raised floors in computer rooms.) I bought the latest computer; it came fully loaded. It was guaranteed for 90 days, but in 30 was outmoded! - "The Wall Street Journal" passed along by Big Red Computer's 'Scarlett' Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking? My computer isn't that nervous, it's just a bit ANSI. If only women came with pull-down menus and online help. My computer's sick. I think my modem is a carrier. Gotta run, the cat's caught in the printer. Honey, I Formatted the Kid! Spelling checkers at maximum! Fire! Your e-mail has been returned due to insufficient voltage. Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk? Hex dump: Where witches put used curses... Finish your mail packet! Children are offline in India. Never violate the Prime Directory! C:\ Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once... Maniac: An early computer built by nuts... Stack Error: Lost on a cluttered desk... Stack Overflow: Too many pancakes... Terminal glare: A look that kills... Trojan: Storage device for replicating codes... ZMODEM: Big bits, Soft blocks, Tighter ASCII... Justify my text? I'm sorry but it has no excuse. Mommy! The cursor's winking at me! Managing programmers is like herding cats. Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped? Capt'n! The spellchecker kinna take this abuse! C:\BELFRY is where I keep my .BAT files. ASCII to ASCII, DOS to DOS. "Mr. Worf, scan that ship." "Aye, Captain... 300 DPI? How do I set my laser printer on stun? The best way to accelerate a Mac is at 9.8 m / sec^2 "!sgub evah t'nseod CP sihT ?sgub naem ayaddahW" ."E=Mc^5...nahhh...E=Mc^4...nahh...E=Mc^3...ah, the hell with it." "Today's subliminal thought is:" Todays assembler command : EXOP Execute Operator. 'Calm down -- it's only ones and zeros.' ...now touch these wires to your tongue! Computer analyst to programmer: "You start coding. I'll go find out what they want." LSD: virtual reality without the expensive hardware. According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist. C:\GRAPHICS\GIF\NAUGHTY\FILTHY\DISGUSTING\WOW! Computer Science: solving today's problems tomorrow. It said, "Insert disk #3," but only two will fit! RAM DISK is not an installation procedure! Computers are only human. Was that your wife I saw in that GIF? I used to have a life, then I got v32bis! If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a FAX? ...About 85% of a GIF. This time it will surely run. I just found the last bug. .This message transmited on 100% recycled electrons. It's redundant! It's redundant! -R. E. Dundant Bug? That's not a bug, that's a feature. -T. John Wendel The programmer's national anthem is 'AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH'. -Weinberg, p.152 Stack manipulation - the use of inflatable falsies. -Datamazing, 4/1/78 On a clear disk you can seek forever. -Computerworld button I write all my critical routines in assembler, and my comedy routines in FORTRAN. - Anonymous If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in. - Dykstra "#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb)) - Shakespeare." Real programmers use: COPY CON PROGRAM.EXE May the bugs of many programs nest on your hard drive. I'm a modemer and I'm OK. I post all night and I sleep all day. I modem, but they grew back. Logic: The art of being wrong with confidence... .Logic is neither an art or a science but a dodge. CCITT - Can't Conceive Inteleget Thoughts Today Do you like me for my brain or my baud? If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0 Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed... Memory dump: Amnesia... Microwave: Signal from a friendly micro... Modem: How a Southerner asks for seconds... Nostalgia: The good old days multiplied by a bad memory... WOMEN.ZIP: A great program, but it doesn't come with documentation... WOMAN.ZIP: Great Shareware, but be careful of viruses... 29A, the hexadecimal of the Beast. SET DEVICE=EXXON to screw up your environment. My BBS is baroque now. Please call Bach later with your Handel. This BBS is ancient. Some say from the echocene. I'm not a sysop, I just play one on the echos. Me and my two friends... GIF and Weston. From C:\*.* to shining C:\*.* Resistance is useless! (If < 1 ohm) Classic Pickup Lines. Q: Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up? A: Because DEC 25 = OCT 31 Q: Did you hear about the Microsoft crystal ball? A: Ask it something and it replies: "Answer unclear. Add 20 Meg of RAM and ask again later." Q: How many MS engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, they just define darkness as an industry standard! Q: Why don't the British build computers? A: Because they can't figure out how to make them leak oil! Have you heard about the new Cray? It's so fast, it executes an infinite loop in 6 seconds. Have you heard about the new Cray? It's so fast, it requires TWO halt instructions to stop it! I heard that Bill Gates's wedding night will be less than blissful for his new bride. She will find out why his company is named Microsoft. A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate cake without ketchup and mustard. My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii. She sells C shells by the seashore. A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do. A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken. A list is only as strong as its weakest link. - Don Knuth After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn. Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system. Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts. I bet the human brain is a kludge. - Marvin Minsky I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on tape somewhere. If God had intended Man to program, we would be born with serial I/O ports. Real programs don't eat cache. Shift to the left! Shift to the right! Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte! Supercomputer: Turns CPU-bound problem into I/O-bound problem. - Ken Batcher Swap read error. You lose your mind. This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory. This screen intentionally left blank. You forgot to do your backup 16 days ago. Tomorrow you'll need that version. You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it! My sister gave up on Computing Dating after she was stood up by two mainframes, a mini, and a laptop. The Queue Principle: The longer you wait in line, the greater the likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line. The program is absolutely right; therefore the computer must be wrong. All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of UUO's, and a warm place to SHIFT. "Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from. Earth is 98% full...please delete anyone you can. 10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0. A bad random number generator: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 4.33e+67, 1, 1, 1 A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected. A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do. A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken. CCCP:> format CCCP: /u After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn. All computers run at the same speed...with the power off. An elephant is a mouse with an operating system. And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode. Another megabytes the dust. Any given program will expand to fill available memory. Any nitwit can understand computers. Many do. - Ted Nelson Any program that runs right is obsolete. Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature. - Kulawiec APL is a write-only language. - Roy Keir Artificial Intelligence: Making computers behave like they do in the movies. As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. - Weisert As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code. Asking whether machines can think is like asking whether submarines can swim. Avoid temporary variables and strange women. Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers. - Tom Lehrer Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers. - Leonard Brandwein Brain fried; core dumped. Breakthrough: It finally booted on the first try. CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh.. Compatible: Gracefully accepts erroneous data from any source. Computer and car salesmen differ in that the latter know when they are lying. Computer programmers do it byte by byte. Computers are a more fun way to do the same work you'd have to do without them. Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. - Pablo Picasso To define recursion, we must first define recursion. The Soviet Union does not exist any more in its present format. Diagnostics are the programs that run when nothing else will. Disc space, the final frontier! Disclaimer: Any errors in spelling, tact, or fact are transmission errors. Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts. Don't let the computer bugs bite! Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time. E Pluribus UNIX. Emacs is a nice operating system, but I prefer UNIX. - Tom Christiansen Every program in development at MIT expands until it can read mail. Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits. Everybody needs a little love sometime; stop hacking and fall in love! f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng. Foolproof operation: All parameters are hard coded. fortune: No such file or directory Futuristic: It will only run on a next generation supercomputer. God is real, unless declared integer. God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man. Hackers have kernel knowledge. Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory! Host System Not Responding, Probably Down. Do you want to wait? (Y/N) How an engineer writes a program: Start by debugging an empty file... How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows. How was Thomas J. Watson buried? 9 edge down. I am a computer, dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator. I am still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie. I am the computer your mother warned you about. Nobody has ever, ever, EVER learned all of WordPerfect. I came, I saw, I deleted all your files. Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2. I must have slipped a disk; my pack hurts. I smell a wumpus. If a program is useful, it must be changed. If a program is useless, it must be documented. If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station? If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer. My computer NEVER crashes If I had it all to do over again, I'd spell creat with an "e". - Kernighan If it was easy, the hardware people would take care of it. In computer science, we stand on each other's feet. - Brian Reid In God we trust; all else we walk through. It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit. It is ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are? Kiss your keyboard goodbye! Last one out, turn off the computer! Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code. Lisp Users: Due to the holiday, there will be no garbage collection on Monday. LISP: To call a spade a thpade. Long computations that yield zero are probably all for naught. Machine-independent: Does not run on any existing machine. Manual Writer's Creed: Garbage in, gospel out. Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. - R. S. Barton Meets quality standards: Compiles without errors. MIPS: Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed. Netnews is like yelling, "Anyone want to buy a used car?" in a crowded theater. Never trust a computer you can't lift. - Stan Masor Never trust a computer you can't throw out the window. - S. Hunt Nice computers don't go down. No line available at 300 baud. No program done by a hacker will work unless he is on the system. No program done by an undergrad will work after she graduates. Old mail has arrived. Old programmers never die; they just branch to a new address. On a clear disk you can seek forever. - Denning One if by LAN, two if by C. - Paul Revere, as told by John Karwoski One man's constant is another man's variable. - Perlis One person's error is another person's data. One picture is worth 128K words. Overflow on /dev/null; please empty the bit bucket. People who deal with bits should expect to get bitten. - Jon Bentley Portable: Survives system reboot. Profanity is the one language all programmers know best. My Go this amn keyboar oesn't have any 's. Programming Department: Mistakes made while you wait. Programming is an art form that fights back. Programming is an unnatural act. Programming just with goto's is like swatting flies with a sledgehammer. Protect your software at all costs; all else is meat. Random access is the optimum of the mass storages. My mail reader can beat up your mail reader. Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular? Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU. Revolutionary: Disk drives go round and round. Save energy: Drive a smaller shell. SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out! - Ken Thompson Backups? We don't *NEED* no steenking baX%^~,VbKx NO CARRIER Software is to computers as yeast is to dough. - Chuck Bradshaw Some programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand progress. Structured Programming supports the law of the excluded muddle. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound? <-------- The information went data way ---------> System going down at 1:45 for disk crashing. System going down at 5 pm to install scheduler bug. Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult. - R. S. Barton That does not compute. The attention span of a computer is only as long as its power cord. The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer. The determined programmer can write a FORTRAN program in any language. The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. The moving cursor prints, and having printed, blinks on. The next generation of computers will have a "Warranty Expired" interrupt. The program is absolutely right; therefore, the computer must be wrong. The steady state of disks is full. - Ken Thompson The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output. The world is coming to an end... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!! "Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean? There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works. There must be more to life than compile-and-go. grep..grep..grep.. (frog with UNIX stuck in it's throat. This login session: $13.76, but for you: $11.88. This screen intentionally left blank. This system will self-destruct in five minutes. Those who can't write, write help files. Those who can, do. Those who cannot, teach. Those who cannot teach, HACK! Thrashing is just virtual crashing. To be, or not to be, those are the parameters. To err is human; to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System. To err is human; to really foul things up requires a computer. To iterate is human; to recurse, divine. - Robert Heller Unprecedented performance: Nothing ever ran this slow before. Variables won't; constants aren't. - Osborn What do computer engineers use for birth control? Their personalities. What this country needs is a good five-cent microcomputer. Where the system is concerned, you are not allowed to ask "Why?". Why do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many stupid uter programming as QWERTY is to typing. - Seymour Papert Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom. Choose variable names that will not be confused. Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. - Gilb Computers talk to each other worse than their designers do. Computers... are not designed, as we are, for ambiguity. - Thomas Controlling complexity is the essence of computer programming. - Kernigan Don't comment or patch bad code; rewrite it. Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality. Don't diddle code to make it faster; find a better algorithm. Don't document the program; program the document. Don't stop at one bug. Every bug you find is the last one. Every program is either trivial or it contains at least one bug. Expert systems are built to embody the knowledge of human experts. - Kulawiec I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. - Isaac Asimov I suppose when it gets to that point, we shan't know how it does it. - Turing If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. - Schryer If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some. In the long run, every program becomes rococco, and then rubble. - Alan Perlis It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa. It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one. Know Thy User. Let the machine do the dirty work. - Elements of Programming Style Machine independent code isn't. Make input easy to proofread. Make it right before you make it faster. Make sure all variables are initialized before use. Make sure comments and code agree. Make sure your code "does nothing" gracefully. Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time. - D. Gries Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle. - Steinbach Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes. - Jackson Never write software that anthropomorphizes the machine. Never write software that patronizes the user. No extensible language will be universal. - T. Cheatham Performance is easier to add than clarity. Replace repetitive expressions by calls to a common function. Software is best understood as a branch of movie making. - Ted Nelson Software is mind work. Having the right frame of mind is essential. The best packed information most resembles random noise. The computer is the Proteus of machines. - Seymour Papert The computing field is always in need of new cliches. - Alan Perlis The less time planning, the more time programming. The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected. (6/72) The purpose of computing is insight, not numbers. - Hamming The wise person writes bomb-proof code. There are always at least two ways to program the same thing. There are never any bugs you haven't found yet. There can never be a computer language in which you cannot write a bad program. There is no problem that, when programmed just right, isn't more complicated. To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program. Try not to let implementation details sneak into design documents. UNIX is many things to many people, but it has never been everything to anybody. Use free-form input where possible. Use GOTOs only to implement a fundamental structure. Use IF...ELSE IF...ELSE IF...ELSE... to implement multi-way branches. Watch out for off-by-one errors. When a program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes. When we write programs that "learn", it turns out we do and they don't. You don't have to know how the computer works, just how to work the computer. Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it. - Donald Knuth The only thing good about "standards" in computer science is that there are so many to choose from. After three days without programming, life becomes meaningless. - Geoffrey James, The Tao of Programming. If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce today would cost $100, get a million miles to the gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside. So when the machine truncates excess bits, it throws them under the raised floor. - Fred Felber (so THAT's why there are raised floors in computer rooms.) I bought the latest computer; it came fully loaded. It was guaranteed for 90 days, but in 30 was outmoded! - "The Wall Street Journal" passed along by Big Red Computer's 'Scarlett' Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking? My computer isn't that nervous, it's just a bit ANSI. If only women came with pull-down menus and online help. My computer's sick. I think my modem is a carrier. Gotta run, the cat's caught in the printer. Honey, I Formatted the Kid! Spelling checkers at maximum! Fire! Your e-mail has been returned due to insufficient voltage. Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk? Hex dump: Where witches put used curses... Finish your mail packet! Children are offline in India. Never violate the Prime Directory! C:\ Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once... Maniac: An early computer built by nuts... Stack Error: Lost on a cluttered desk... Stack Overflow: Too many pancakes... Terminal glare: A look that kills... Trojan: Storage device for replicating codes... ZMODEM: Big bits, Soft blocks, Tighter ASCII... Justify my text? I'm sorry but it has no excuse. Mommy! The cursor's winking at me! Managing programmers is like herding cats. Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped? Capt'n! The spellchecker kinna take this abuse! C:\BELFRY is where I keep my .BAT files. ASCII to ASCII, DOS to DOS. "Mr. Worf, scan that ship." "Aye, Captain... 300 DPI? How do I set my laser printer on stun? The best way to accelerate a Mac is at 9.8 m / sec^2 "!sgub evah t'nseod CP sihT ?sgub naem ayaddahW" ."E=Mc^5...nahhh...E=Mc^4...nahh...E=Mc^3...ah, the hell with it." "Today's subliminal thought is:" Todays assembler command : EXOP Execute Operator. 'Calm down -- it's only ones and zeros.' ...now touch these wires to your tongue! Computer analyst to programmer: "You start coding. I'll go find out what they want." LSD: virtual reality without the expensive hardware. According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist. C:\GRAPHICS\GIF\NAUGHTY\FILTHY\DISGUSTING\WOW! Computer Science: solving today's problems tomorrow. It said, "Insert disk #3," but only two will fit! RAM DISK is not an installation procedure! Computers are only human. Was that your wife I saw in that GIF? I used to have a life, then I got v32bis! If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a FAX? ...About 85% of a GIF. This time it will surely run. I just found the last bug. .This message transmited on 100% recycled electrons. It's redundant! It's redundant! -R. E. Dundant Bug? That's not a bug, that's a feature. -T. John Wendel The programmer's national anthem is 'AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH'. -Weinberg, p.152 Stack manipulation - the use of inflatable falsies. -Datamazing, 4/1/78 On a clear disk you can seek forever. -Computerworld button I write all my critical routines in assembler, and my comedy routines in FORTRAN. - Anonymous If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in. - Dykstra "#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb)) - Shakespeare." Real programmers use: COPY CON PROGRAM.EXE May the bugs of many programs nest on your hard drive. I'm a modemer and I'm OK. I post all night and I sleep all day. I modem, but they grew back. Logic: The art of being wrong with confidence... .Logic is neither an art or a science but a dodge. CCITT - Can't Conceive Inteleget Thoughts Today Do you like me for my brain or my baud? If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0 Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed... Memory dump: Amnesia... Microwave: Signal from a friendly micro... Modem: How a Southerner asks for seconds... Nostalgia: The good old days multiplied by a bad memory... WOMEN.ZIP: A great program, but it doesn't come with documentation... WOMAN.ZIP: Great Shareware, but be careful of viruses... 29A, the hexadecimal of the Beast. SET DEVICE=EXXON to screw up your environment. My BBS is baroque now. Please call Bach later with your Handel. This BBS is ancient. Some say from the echocene. I'm not a sysop, I just play one on the echos. Me and my two friends... GIF and Weston. From C:\*.* to shining C:\*.* Resistance is useless! (If < 1 ohm) Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn't eat? Shutup and eat your meat loaf. Mommy, Mommy! When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner? Shut up, we haven't even finished your Grandmother yet. Mommy, Mommy! I hate my sisters guts. Shut up and eat what's put in front of you. Mommy, Mommy! What's an Oedipus complex? Shut up and kiss me! Mommy, Mommy! What's for dinner? Shut up and get back in the oven! Mommy, mommy, what is a deliquant child? Shut up, light your cigarette, drink your whisky and deal those cards. Mommy, mommy, what is a deliquant child? Shut up and pass me the crowbar. Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is the way to make ginger bread men? Shut up and get back in the oven. Mommy, Mommy! Why do I have to hop everywhere? Shut up or I'll chop off the other leg! Mommy, Mommy! Grandma's got a bruise. Shut up and eat around it! Mommy, Mommy! Can I play with grandma? Not today, we already dug her three times this week. Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all your scabs? Shut up and eat your cornflakes! Mommy, Mommy! What's in those CARE packages they send to Africa? Shut up and get back in the box! Mommy, Mommy! The teacher says I look like a monkey! Shut up and comb your face! Mommy, Mommy! What's a werewolf? Shut up and comb your face! Mommy, Mommy! Whats an orgasm? I don't know dear, ask your father. Mommy, Mommy! Billy won't let go of my ear. Billy, let go of Susie's ear. Billy! Let go of her ear! All right Billy, give me the ear. Mommy, Mommy! I hate daddy's guts. Well, just leave them on the side of the plate. Mommy, Mommy! What's a nymphomaniac? Shut up and help me get Gramma off the doorknob! Mommy, Mommy! Why is daddy so pale? Shut up and keep digging. Mommy, Mommy! I don't like grandpa. Well, just push him aside and eat your beans. Mommy, Mommy! Grandpa's going out! Well throw some more gasoline on him then. Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to go to Australia. Shut up son and keep swimming. Mommy, Mommy! Why are we pushing the car off the cliff? Shut up son, you'll wake your father. Mommy, Mommy! I keep running in circles. Shut up son or I'll nail your other foot to the floor Mommy, Mommy! The milkmans here; have you got the money or should I go out and play? Mommy, Mommy! Why's everybody running? Shut up and reload. Mommy, Mommy! I don't wanna visit grandma! Shut up and keep digging. Mommy, Mommy! Can I lick the bowl? Shut up and flush. Mommy, Mommy! I'm sick of learning how to swim! Shut up or I'll flush it again! Mommy, Mommy! It's cold and dark and damp down here. Shut up or I'll flush it again. Mommy, Mommy! I don't want hamburgs for supper! Shut up or I'll grind your other hand. Mommy, Mommy! I HATE tomato juice! Shut up and drink it before it clots. Mommy, Mommy! What's a vampire? Shut up and eat your soup before it clots. Mommy, Mommy! I don't like tomato soup! Shut up, we only have it once a month. Mommy, Mommy! I HATE spagetti! Shut up or I'll pull the veins out of your other arm. Mommy, Mommy! There's something in daddy's eye! Shut up and eat around it. Mommy, Mommy! Daddy puked! Shut up and get a fork, before your sister gets all the big chunks! Mommy, Mommy! Why are you moaning? Shut up son, and keep licking. Mommy, Mommy! Can I get pregnant? Of course not dear, you are only seven years old. OK boys, same again... Mommy, Mommy! Can I buy a new dress? You know it won't fit over your iron lung. Mommy, Mommy! Why can't I play with the other kids? Shut up and deal. Mommy, Mommy! Can I brush my teeth? Yes, now shut up and get the jar! Mommy, Mommy! My head hurts! Shut up and get away from the dart board! Mommy, Mommy! My teacher says my head is too big. Shut up and get your hat from the garage, so your father can bring the car in! Mommy, Mommy! Can I play in the sandbox? Not until I find a better place to bury Daddy. Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's on fire! Shut up and get the marshmallows! Mommy, Mommy! Daddy fell in the campfire! Shut up and get the barbecue sauce! Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's running down the street! Shut up and step on the gas! Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to see Niagara falls! Shut up and get back in the barrel! Mommy, Mommy! I want to play with Sheldon! Shut up and close the coffin! Mommy, Mommy! Is this the way to make pickles? Shut up and get back in the barrel! Mommy, Mommy! Daddy went through the meat grinder! Shut up and eat your hamburger! Mommy, Mommy! How will we ever find Daddy on this golf course? Shut up and search the sand traps! Mommy, Mommy! I've lost my fingers! Shut up and eat your french fries! Mommy, mommy what is incest? Shut up and lick. Mommy! Mommy! What's oral sex? mmmrmmph mumble mumble mmhhh mmrph mmumble! Daddy, daddy what is incest? Shut up and suck. Things not to say in a Job interveiw. "...and I always try to present a professional image. By the way, did I mention that I'm not wearing any underwear?" "Can we make this quick? Oprah's on in 15 minutes." "This job is merely a stepping stone towards my ultimate goal of becoming the Almighty Supreme Being." "Convicted of a felony? No, but I'd certainly like to try." "Say, didn't I see you on 60 Minutes?" "Could you notify my parole officer that I've found a job?" "You will only refer to me as 'Mistress Ken', and you will speak only after I beat the answer out of your weak, but willing, flesh. Understand?" "Damn! Your nose hairs are long enough to braid!" "Where's the men's room? I gotta big-time wedgie." "When ya been in da' big house as long as me, ya don't need no office wid no window." "I ain't never used no computer, but I reckon I could give it a whirl." "You gonna eat the rest of that sandwich?" "What will I be doing in 5 years? Watching you beg for your job, pal." "Hey, pull my finger!" "Don't you want me to turn my head and cough?" "When I saw Sally Struthers endorsing it, I knew it was the college for me." "So the presidential motorcade passes right under this window, eh?" "References, schmeferences -- We're talking trust here, babe." "Ooh! Ooh! I got a good one! Gimme a match, quick!!" "My salary requirements? Just keep those Corn Nuts a-comin'!" "Qualifications? I got your qualifications right here!" "I brought some buds, dude, wanna spark a bowl?" Things to do in an Exam. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!" If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm sooo sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is. Bring cheerleaders. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?" Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative. Bring pets. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else. Come down with a bad case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..). Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink) Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy). Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!" Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!" Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit." When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her. One word: Wrestlemania. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start. Try to get people in the room to do the wave. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so". Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks" Uses For Duct tape. Digitize it to make a nice background for a web page. Attractive siding for your house. To prevent theft, seal the doors of your car with about half a dozen layers. Disposable replacement for cufflinks. Lenses for discount mirror sunglasses for the blind. Use an empty roll of duct tape to join two sections of ABS drain pipe together. Create a water-tight seal for use #6. Material for a highly visible, heavy-duty raincoat. Graph paper for the blind. Sticky-notes for the fridge. Homemade orthodontic work. Instant handcuffs and gags for efficient hitmen. Material for a groovy wallet. Spaceage bathroom tiling. Stick a membrane of duct tape over top a cooking wok and you've got a drum. One piece shaving kit. Ouch. Fold a strip over on itself and form it into a loop. Replacement fan belt for your car. Permanent garters to keep your socks up. A great Christmas gift for the Mrs. Replacement for the safety catch under the hood of your car. Air/water-tight bandages. Replacement for your lunch box. (Just tape all your food together into one big ball.) Tape two pens together so you can write twice as fast. Make a sheet of duct tape, and wear it sticky side out on your chest during a meal. Super effective bib. For safety, coat your hands with a couple layers of it when you're handling hot, sharp, or radioactive objects. If someone won't pay you their gambling debts, tape his nose to his forehead. Make a pair of waterproof underwear for fishing. Fly tape (for those big-ass, mutant houseflies). Bookmark. (Just try to lose your place in the book now!) Tape the safety guard back on your circular saw so it doesn't get in the way. Use duct tape to bundle up all those AOL starter kits lying around your house for the garbage man. Tape your TV to the ceiling above your bed so you can watch it while lying down. Roll up some duct tape into a little roll half an inch in diameter. Cut it in half. Earplugs or noseplugs. Instead of gargling with mouthwash, chew duct tape. Cost-effective roof rack for your car. Liquor cabinet lock for alcoholics. To prevent losing your TV remote, duct tape it to your arm. Measuring tape (just count the squares). Need more overhead light in a room? Tape a lamp to the ceiling. Pet hair brush. (Use it carefully, or the Humane Society will put you on their '10 Most Wanted' list.) To climb a wall/cliff/tree, just cover yourself in duct tape, sticky side out. Stay awake by taping your eyelids to your forehead on those late drives home. (Also act as reflectors to oncoming cars.) Tape yourself to the toilet after a bad Mexican dish. Denture adhesive. (use small strips) A low cost replacement seatbelt. Do it yourself bikini. The babysitter's best friend... When the kids get crazy you can always tape them to the sofa. Quick repair for the bowrail you broke on your dogsled. Effective binding around the ribs that broke the bowrail. (Ouch) Instant Babysitter: Cover kid in duct tape sticky side out, throw 'im against wall with attached food in case of long stay, and enjoy your night out or possible trip to Bahamas. Going to a wedding? Your silver/gray cummerbund will be the envy of all--and a perfect fit, too. Improve the world: Tape Newt Gingrich's mouth shut. Take a piece and put it on your annoying brother's hair then rip it off. Great diaper tab replacement when you're out of diapers and have to reuse them. Our office was taping a very low budget ($0) production, and needed one of those "chopping type story boards." We hinged a couple of pieces of wood together, but since we had no paint, we cover the boards with white duct tape, and used black electrical tape to make the stripes on it. Looks sharp and is very durable. The US Navy uses duct tape to repair Radoms on fighter aircraft. They call it "thousand mile an hour" tape. If the tree you hang your hammock on starts splitting, duct tape the trunk for support. To prevent campfire burns, wrap some around your hands when roasting wieners without a stick. To keep the bumper on your car securely fastened. Tape your cat's paws together when you bathe it so you don't get scratched all to hell. Replace the fabric on the roof of your 70's convertible car. (True story!) Use it to tape Red's mouth shut so he will quit talking about duct tape. Use it to tape a Red Green disparager's mouth shut so he'll learn not to meddle with powers he cannot comprehend! [Hey... Turnabout is fairplay. :-) ] When I bought my car in 1990, I wrapped the spare key in plastic wrap and duct taped it to the frame of the car. Several weeks ago, AFTER six years and 80,000 miles of driving, I locked my keys in the car. I reached under the car and got the spare key which was still there and in great shape! Put a few thousand layers over a new pair of shoes and they'll last forever (if your feet never grow). Great for retreading twenty year-old, worn out, shredded tires. (Tip: Take the tires off your vehicle first for easier application of the duct tape) To avoid the expensive bill for neutering your dog, simply wrap a few feet of duct tape around his waist. Cheap, ultra-effective toilet paper (use at your own risk). Mouse trap. (Place sticky side up on the floor with cheese on it) Toothbrush holder. (Just slap a loop of duct tape sticky side out on bathroom mirror) Resole your favorite old boots or sneakers. Durable, fashionable, and easily seen at night. To make your car look like one of those limos with the mirror windows, just coat all your windows (except the front one) with duct tape. After you make the mirror windows, use some duct tape to attach an elaborate system of mirrors on the outside of your car so you have a functional rear view mirror. Patch up the holes in your tent, or just make a whole new tent that's completely waterproof and bugproof (works on the same principle as flypaper). Poor man's tanning bed. Line the inside of a canoe, Volkswagen, or other defunct roofless box with tape (silver side out), set out in the sun, step inside, and broil yourself until you're done. Wrap duct tape around your school books for an instant backpack. (And be sure to tape the bundle to your shoulder for easy carrying.) Duct tape your mouse pad to your desk to keep it from sliding around. While you're at it, tape your joystick and keyboard to your desk, and even your monitor, just in case you feel like smacking it when your system crashes. The perfect birthday present for Red. Wrap about 5 rolls of tape around #62's head, tie the free end around a pine tree, and then throw him off a cliff. That'd probably take care of Red's hate mail and would give #62 a nice smooth scalp. On Halloween, wrap yourself in duct tape from the neck down and put a fishbowl on your head--instant Apollo 13 costume. Then draw some big eyes on the fishbowl with a black marker, and go to a casting call for the X-Files. Live at the bottom of a hill? Basement filled with water? No problem! Erect a dam around your house with duct tape. Use it to fix the cracks in your engine block. The landlord's best friend in adding exotic decor to a kitchen. Use as kitchen shelf liners, easy wipe back splash for counter and permanent washable durable wallpaper. Duct Tape makes a wonderful leash for walking your pet elephant. Makes a terrific tether for attaching satellites to space vehicles (NASA please take note). A loop of Duct Tape under new sod helps to keep it in place while the roots are growing. Better yet, tape your whole lawn with Duct Tape and paint it green... Never needs mowing again. Build a better mousetrap: Place duct tape sticky side up next to some cheese. Protect yourself against really bad cases of chapped lips. Ear protectors for when your mother-in-law is visiting (you wrap several layers firmly around her mouth). Makes a handy and chique dog leash. Kleenex for people with large lung capacities and powerful diaphragms. I am nominating my husband for "Lawn Nerd" of the week. He is outside spraying poison-weed killer on the lawn. To keep the "bad stuff" off his legs, he has taped duct tape around the top of his boots. We are inside claiming not to know him. For those who cannot afford the high price of pet supplies, take a loop of duct tape sticky side out and it use it to clean the kitty litter instead of replacing it. Tape two horn-shaped duct tape pieces to your head and run around saying, 'Catch me, I'm a steer!' when you are in trouble with the law. You'll only get half the sentence. (Believe me it works!) NASA makes it standard policy to have shuttle astronauts carry at least one roll of duct tape with them into orbit. Use it to force President Clinton to keep his pants on and his mouth shut. Use it to keep a younger brother/sister from hacking into your computer system while you're away on vacation (i.e., wrap your keyboard and monitor in the stuff). Wrap one or two hundred layers around your beer can to insulate it, keep it cold. Get Dune-esque and make yourself a duct tape stillsuit. For teachers: Use it to keep those hyper students in their seats all period. For students: Once you rip yourself out of your seat, duct tape the teacher's last piece of chalk to the middle of his/her back. Put a strip of duct tape, sticky side out, on the side of your stereo and stick all your CDs to it. Instant CD holder. Stick a worm to a strip and tie the strip to the end of your fishing line. Just let those fish TRY and get away! Impress you low tech friends by taping up a large portion of your living room wall. Tell them it's a "Home Theater Projection Screen". John Bobbit first-aid kit! Tape socks together before you wash them so they don't get lost. Tape your hub caps to your car so they won't be stolen. Tape your golf tee to your ball so you won't loose it. (Until you hit the ball anyway.) Tape your wife's eyes shut before she goes shopping. Wrap your wife's credit card in duct tape before she goes shopping. If that doesn't work, tape your mailbox shut to avoid the bill. Just wad a little up after you knock your last Baseball over the fence. Makes great streamers for the wings of that old DC-9 you've been meaning to customize. Wanna get hitched and can't afford a wedding ring? Guaranteed not to need resizing. Makes a great turban for the 90's if your ever in the Middle East. One roll can change a screen door into a well insulated storm door for those blustery winter nights. Belly button lint remover. Who needs a muzzle? Tape your dog's mouth shut. Place a strip inside your baseball mit. Win that Gold Glove award. Put a little cologne on a strip and stick it in your car. Instant air freshener. Damn earthquakes keep ruining your good china? Tape it to the cabinet. Make an airtight seal to keep your half empty beer cans from going flat over night. Avoid those pesky pick-pockets by taping your wallet to your buttocks. Use duct tape to keep all the volumes of the Beatles Anthology together. (Leave room for more, though) Tint your monitor. (severely) A little duct tape on the bottom of your friend's mouse makes a great practical joke. Tape together some old toys to make a trophy for the person with the most uses for duct tape. Carry a roll with you so that when you open up a package in Walmart you can tape it shut and nobody will know the difference. Wrap grandma's pills in a layer so they'll go down smoother. Cut about 100 3-foot strips of duct tape. Stick them together lengthwise in groups of two, sticky sides facing each other. Poke small holes in the ends of each strip. Run string through the holes. Hang in a window. Congratulations! You now have Venetian blinds! To repair radial tires, put a couple of layers over the hole in the inner tube, or if you can get the tire off, place a couple of pieces over the puncture. Remount the tire on the rim and your back in business! (This application actually worked; I was able to drive twenty miles to a repair shop before the tire went flat again!) The building maintenance man used to use it as drywall tape. (He used to work in an oil refinery). Who needs a spice rack? Just tape your various spices to the wall. Wrap some around your bellbottoms and go to a disco. They look authentic and are cheaper. However, the fly is a bit of a problem. Cover your swimming pool with several layers and use it as a huge trampoline. On the fourth day of a fishing trip in Ontario at the height of black fly season and you've decided to change jeans only to find a hole in the knee of the 'new' pair? Duct tape it closed, those little buggers will never get past it. Had a fender-bender and now body parts are hanging loose? Forget the pop rivets and body putty, just duct tape everything back together. I hate when binders fall apart. DT is a great binder binder! Rock climbing harness (sure beats a body belay!) Anti-perspirant. Lamp shade. If you have a lot of time on your hands, build a castle out of duct tape and match sticks. Tired of your attack dogs, cats, alligators running away? Tape them to the door of your match stick castle. Patch up the hole in the ozone layer. The best way to rid the world of door-to-door salesmen: duct tape every single one that comes to your house to the next space shuttle to launch. Take an old mobile home. Pull everything out of it and cover the inside with highly-reflective, silver duct tape. Now enjoy the world's biggest solar-powered oven (and tanning bed). Smash your snowmobile into a tree, then duct tape the hood together again to gain extra flexible aerodynamics. A better way than scraping (and sanding, sawing, burning) to remove paint. Wrap a small cardboard box in duct tape. Cost-effective Tupperware. Doctors Dictonary "This should be taken care of right away." / "I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself." "Welllllll, what have we here..." / Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the Doctor is hoping you will give him a clue. "We'll see." / "First I have to check my malpractice insurance." "Let me check your medical history." / "I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you." "Why don't we make another appointment later in the week." / "I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this will take too long." "Why don't we make another appointment later in the week." / "I need the money, so I'm charging you for another office visit." "I really can't recommend seeing a chiropractor." / "I hate those guys mooching in on our fees." "Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm." / Since he hasn't the faintest idea of what to do, he is trying to appear thoughtful while hoping the nurse will interrupt. (Proctologists also say this a lot.) "We have some good news and some bad news." / The good news is he's going to buy that new BMW, and the bad news is you're going to pay for it. "Let's see how it develops." / "Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured." "Let me schedule you for some tests." / "I have a 40% interest in the lab." "I'd like to have my associate look at you." / "He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a small fortune." "How are we today?" / "I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like hell." "I'd like to prescribe a new drug." / "I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea." "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call." / "I don't know what the hell it is. Maybe it will go away by itself." "That's quite a nasty looking wound." / "I think I'm going to throw up." "This may smart a little." / "Last week two patients bit through their tongues." "Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we?" / "I can't remember your name, nor why you are here." "This should fix you up." / "The drug salesman guaranteed that it kills all symptoms." "Everything seems to be normal." / "I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all." "I'd like to run some more tests." / "I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one." "Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting your nerves?" / He thinks you are crazy and is hoping to find a psychiatrist who will split fees. "Why don't you slip out of your things." / "I don't enjoy this any more than you do, but I've got to warm my fingers up somehow." "Why don't you slip out of your things." / "I haven't had a good laugh all day." "If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment." / "I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week." "There is a lot of that going around." / "My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this." Confuscius Says,.... Man who sells Kotex, crack salesman. Blond girl have black hair by cracky. Man who lay girl on hill not on level. Boy who plays with himself pulls boner. Better to sleep with old hen than pullet. Man with athletic finger make broad jump. Virgin like balloon: one prick, all gone. Man who plays with titty gets bust in mouth. Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to it. Man who have titty in mouth make clean breast. Woman pilot who fly upside down have crack up. Man who lays girl in field gets piece on earth. Man who have hole in pocket feels cocky all day. Woman who slides down bannister makes monkey shine. Woman who puts rooster in freezer have frozen cock. Girl who goes to bed with detective must kiss dick. Man who screws cook in pantry often gets ass in jam. He who fishes in other mans well often catches crabs. Wife wo puts man in dog house may find him in cat house. Girl who douches with vinegar walk around with sour puss. Man who marries girl with no bust have right to feel low down. Boy who goes to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand. Squirrel lay on rock and crack nuts; man lay on crack and rock nuts. Girl should not marry basketball player: he dribbles before he shoots. Woman who springs on innerspring this spring gets offspring next spring. Baby conceived on back seat of automobile with automatic transmission grow up to be shiftless bastard. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. Man who stand on toilet high on pot. It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl! Man who jizz in cash register come into money. Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time. Man who fart in church must sit in own pew. Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed. Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam. Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger. Learn to masturbate--come in handy. Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock. Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy. Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone. Man who cooks corn and pees in same pot is very unsanitary. Man who masturbates with peanut butter is fucking nuts. Women's Dictonary Yes = No Women's Dictonary No = Yes Women's Dictonary Maybe = No Women's Dictonary I'm sorry = You'll be sorry Women's Dictonary We need = I want Women's Dictonary It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Women's Dictonary Do what you want = You'll pay for this later. Women's Dictonary We need to talk = I need to complain. Women's Dictonary Sure go ahead = I don't want you to. Women's Dictonary I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron! Women's Dictonary You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. Women's Dictonary You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? Women's Dictonary Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs. Women's Dictonary This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. Women's Dictonary I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper..... Women's Dictonary Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! Women's Dictonary I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep. Women's Dictonary Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive. Women's Dictonary How much do you love me? = I did something you're really not going to like. Women's Dictonary I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV. Women's Dictonary Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful. Women's Dictonary You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me. Women's Dictonary Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.] Women's Dictonary Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he falls asleep. Women's Dictonary I'm not yelling! = Yes, I am yelling because I think this is important. Women's Dictonary The same old thing = Nothing Women's Dictonary Nothing = Everything Women's Dictonary Everything = My PMS is acting up. Women's Dictonary Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole. Men's Dictonary I'm hungry = I'm hungry. Men's Dictonary I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy. Men's Dictonary I'm tired = I'm tired. Men's Dictonary Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. Men's Dictonary Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. Men's Dictonary Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. Men's Dictonary May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. Men's Dictonary Nice dress! = Nice cleavage! Men's Dictonary You look tense, let me give you a massage. = I want to fondle you. Men's Dictonary What's wrong? = I don't see why your making such a big deal about this. Men's Dictonary What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? Men's Dictonary What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question. Men's Dictonary I'm bored. = Do you want to have sex? Men's Dictonary I love you. = Let's have sex now. Men's Dictonary I love you, too. = Okay, I said it... we'd better have sex now! Men's Dictonary Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = I liked it better before. Men's Dictonary Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = $50 and it doesn't look that much different! Men's Dictonary Let's talk. = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me. Men's Dictonary Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys. Men's Dictonary (while shopping) I like that one better. = Pick any freakin'dress and let's go home! Men's Dictonary I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together. = I am gay. SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK You lose arguments with inanimate objects. SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK Your job is interfering with your drinking. SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts. SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK You sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group. SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not! SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem! SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK You can focus better with one eye closed. SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar. SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK You fall off the floor... SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops. SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you. SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..." SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK Your idea of cutting back is less salt. SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm. SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in... SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine,Alcohol, and [Women or Men]. SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive. SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK Roseanne looks good. SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass. SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK That damned pink elephant followed me home again. SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you. SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK I'm as jober as a sudge. SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering. SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night. Daily Affirmations and Advice for the Average Psycho: No matter how hard you fight it, the world still sucks. Daily Affirmations and Advice for the Average Psycho: Normal people may seem cool, but looks can be deceiving. Daily Affirmations and Advice for the Average Psycho: Who cares if I scare other people? I scare myself. Daily Affirmations and Advice for the Average Psycho: We all have nutty days; mine just come more often than others.Daily Affirmations and Advice for the Average Psycho: Being myself is the coolest thing I can do. Especially considering that I'm the coolest person I know.Daily Affirmations and Advice for the Average Psycho: Maybe it's not you this time. Maybe it's just the prozac. Daily Affirmations and Advice for the Average Psycho: It's okay to be weird. In fact, considering the way normal people suck the life out of parties these days, I'd recommend it. Daily Affirmations and Advice for the Average Psycho: The only way to express yourself is to be yourself (even if it means belly-dancing in public). Daily Affirmations and Advice for the Average Psycho: It doesn't matter that you can't figure out where the buzz came from as long as you make the best of it. ...And now for something completely different... Daily Affirmations and Advice for the Average Psycho: Elephants are gray. (hey, it's true) Redneck Computer Terminology LOG ON : Making a woodstove hotter Redneck Computer Terminology LOG OFF : Don't add no more wood Redneck Computer Terminology MONITOR : Keepin an eye on the woodstove Redneck Computer Terminology DOWNLOAD : Gettin the farwood off the truk Redneck Computer Terminology MEGA HERTZ : When yer not keerful gettin the farwood Redneck Computer Terminology FLOPPY DISC : Whacha git from tryin to carry too much farwood Redneck Computer Terminology RAM : That thar thing whut splits the farwood Redneck Computer Terminology HARD DRIVE : Gettin home in the wintertime Redneck Computer Terminology PROMPT : Whut the mail ain't in the wintertime Redneck Computer Terminology WINDOWS : Whut to shut when it's cold outside Redneck Computer Terminology SCREEN : Whut to shut when it's blak fly season Redneck Computer Terminology BYTE : Whut them dang flys do Redneck Computer Terminology CHIP : Munchie fer the TV Redneck Computer Terminology MICRO CHIP : Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag Redneck Computer Terminology MODEM : Whacha did to the hay fields Redneck Computer Terminology DOT MATRIX : Old Dan Matrix's wife Redneck Computer Terminology LAP TOP : Whar the kitty sleeps Redneck Computer Terminology KEYBOARD : Whar ya hang the dang truk keys Redneck Computer Terminology SOFTWARE : Them dang plastic forks and knifs Redneck Computer Terminology MOUSE : Whut eats the grain in the barn Redneck Computer Terminology MAIN FRAME : Holds up the barn ruf Redneck Computer Terminology PORT : Fancy Flatlander wine Redneck Computer Terminology ENTER : Northener talk fer C'mon in y'all Redneck Computer Terminology RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY : When ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks Redneck Computer Terminology MOUSE PAD :- Hippie talk fer the rat hole. THINGS TO DO AT A BORING MOVIE Wear a top hat. THINGS TO DO AT A BORING MOVIE Throw popcorn in the air and yell, "It's snowing!" THINGS TO DO AT A BORING MOVIE Go, "Oooooh..." whenever anyone kisses. THINGS TO DO AT A BORING MOVIE Clap when the good guy gets killed. THINGS TO DO AT A BORING MOVIE Make a noise like your passing gas and go, "Ahhh..." THINGS TO DO AT A BORING MOVIE Starting wheezing and ask the person next to you if you can have some Juicy Fruits for you asthma. THINGS TO DO AT A BORING MOVIE During the previews, yell, "Can you fast-forward it?" THINGS TO DO AT A BORING MOVIE Whenever the badguy is doing something devoius, say, " Watch out!" THINGS TO DO AT A BORING MOVIE Laugh very loudly at all the corny jokes. THINGS TO DO AT A BORING MOVIE Tell the man selling popcorn that the girls bathroom is flooding. THINGS TO DO AT A BORING MOVIE Yell out what is going to happen. THINGS TO DO AT A BORING MOVIE Tell the man next to you that you have diarrhea and wink while smiling. THINGS TO DO AT A BORING MOVIE Wear a cape and when its your turn to get popcorn yell, "I'm Batman! Hahaha!" and run away. THINGS TO DO AT A BORING MOVIE Yell, "Fire!" and moon the people coming through the exit. THINGS TO DO AT A BORING MOVIE Say that they cannot sit next to you because you invisible friend already is. THINGS TO DO AT A BORING MOVIE Yell outloud, "Stop molesting me!" WORDS FROM WOMEN.......... I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde. Dolly Parton WORDS FROM WOMEN.......... You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. Erica Jong WORDS FROM WOMEN.......... I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels GOOD for 36 hours. Rita Rudner WORDS FROM WOMEN.......... I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job. Roseanne WORDS FROM WOMEN.......... My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. Rita Rudner WORDS FROM WOMEN.......... I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters. Susie Loucks WORDS FROM WOMEN.......... This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?" Judy Tenuta WORDS FROM WOMEN.......... He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant Carol Leifer WORDS FROM WOMEN.......... I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. Wendy Liebman WORDS FROM WOMEN.......... Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. Erma Bombeck WORDS FROM WOMEN.......... If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them. Sue Grafton WORDS FROM WOMEN.......... I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. Roseanne WORDS FROM WOMEN.......... I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. Sue Kolinsky WORDS FROM WOMEN.......... I look just like the girls next door... if you happen to live next door to an amusement park. Dolly Parton WORDS FROM WOMEN.......... I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT? Wendy Liebman WORDS FROM WOMEN.......... I think -- therefore I'm single. Lizz Winstead WORDS FROM WOMEN.......... "Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid." Hedy Lamarr WORDS FROM WOMEN.......... "When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." Elayne Boosler WORDS FROM WOMEN.......... "I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." Gilda Radner WORDS FROM WOMEN.......... "Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." Maryon Pearson WORDS FROM WOMEN.......... "Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel." Bella Abzug WORDS FROM WOMEN.......... "In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you wantanything done, ask a woman." Margaret Thatcher WORDS FROM WOMEN.......... "If I were going to convert to any religion I would probably choose Catholicism because it at least has female saints and the Virgin Mary." Margaret Atwood WORDS FROM WOMEN.......... "I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career." Gloria Steinhem WORDS FROM WOMEN.......... "Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." Gloria Steinhem WORDS FROM WOMEN.......... Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then." Katharine Hepburn WORDS FROM WOMEN.......... "I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night." Marie Corelli WORDS FROM WOMEN.........."Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths." Baroness Edith Summerskill WORDS FROM WOMEN.......... "If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?" Linda Ellerbee WORDS FROM WOMEN.........."I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." Zsa Zsa Gabor Question:Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? Question:Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra? Question:Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? Question:How do I set my laser printer on stun? Question:How is it possible to have a civil war? Question:If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? Question:If God dropped acid, would he see people? Question:If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? Question:If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? Question:If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? Question:If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it? Question:If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons? Question:If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? Question:If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? Question:Is a castrated pig disgruntled? Question:Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asterhoids"? Question:Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? Ways to Confuse, Worry, or Just Plain Scare People in the Computer Lab/Class Ways to Confuse, Worry, or Just Plain Scare People in the Computer Lab/Class Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream, "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt. Ways to Confuse, Worry, or Just Plain Scare People in the Computer Lab/Class Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes and then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you. Ways to Confuse, Worry, or Just Plain Scare People in the Computer Lab/Class When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the darned thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, and repeat the process for a good half hour. Ways to Confuse, Worry, or Just Plain Scare People in the Computer Lab/Class Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly. Ways to Confuse, Worry, or Just Plain Scare People in the Computer Lab/Class Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it's set up with. Ways to Confuse, Worry, or Just Plain Scare People in the Computer Lab/Class Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over and over again. Ways to Confuse, Worry, or Just Plain Scare People in the Computer Lab/Class Work normally for awhile. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk. Ways to Confuse, Worry, or Just Plain Scare People in the Computer Lab/Class Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files. Ways to Confuse, Worry, or Just Plain Scare People in the Computer Lab/Class Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know. Ways to Confuse, Worry, or Just Plain Scare People in the Computer Lab/Class Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on. Ways to Confuse, Worry, or Just Plain Scare People in the Computer Lab/Class Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously. Ways to Confuse, Worry, or Just Plain Scare People in the Computer Lab/Class Type on VAX for awhile. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes about everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing. Ways to Confuse, Worry, or Just Plain Scare People in the Computer Lab/Class Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing. Ways to Confuse, Worry, or Just Plain Scare People in the Computer Lab/Class Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting. Ways to Confuse, Worry, or Just Plain Scare People in the Computer Lab/Class Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot." Ways to Confuse, Worry, or Just Plain Scare People in the Computer Lab/Class Every time you press return and there is processing time required,pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes. Ways to Confuse, Worry, or Just Plain Scare People in the Computer Lab/Class "DISK FIGHT!" Ways to Confuse, Worry, or Just Plain Scare People in the Computer Lab/Class Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (it helps if you know them,but this is also a great way to make new friends). Ways to Confuse, Worry, or Just Plain Scare People in the Computer Lab/Class Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw. Ways to Confuse, Worry, or Just Plain Scare People in the Computer Lab/Class If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required. Ways to Confuse, Worry, or Just Plain Scare People in the Computer Lab/Class Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper and tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless. Ways to Confuse, Worry, or Just Plain Scare People in the Computer Lab/Class Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge in the 3.5 disk drive. When it doesn't work, get the supervisor. Ways to Confuse, Worry, or Just Plain Scare People in the Computer Lab/Class When you are on an IBM and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those. Ways to Confuse, Worry, or Just Plain Scare People in the Computer Lab/Class Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when it's all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line. Ways to Confuse, Worry, or Just Plain Scare People in the Computer Lab/Class Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for awhile, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you. Ways to Confuse, Worry, or Just Plain Scare People in the Computer Lab/Class Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger. Ways to Confuse, Worry, or Just Plain Scare People in the Computer Lab/Class If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them, and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave. Ways to Confuse, Worry, or Just Plain Scare People in the Computer Lab/Class Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British royal family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you. Ways to Confuse, Worry, or Just Plain Scare People in the Computer Lab/Class Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them on top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic. Ways to Confuse, Worry, or Just Plain Scare People in the Computer Lab/Class Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions. Ways to Confuse, Worry, or Just Plain Scare People in the Computer Lab/Class Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working. Ways to Confuse, Worry, or Just Plain Scare People in the Computer Lab/Class Bring some dry ice and make it look like the computer is smoking. Ways to Confuse, Worry, or Just Plain Scare People in the Computer Lab/Class Assign a musical note to every key (ex. the delete key is A flat). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way. Ways to Confuse, Worry, or Just Plain Scare People in the Computer Lab/Class Attempt to eat your computer's mouse. Ways to Confuse, Worry, or Just Plain Scare People in the Computer Lab/Class Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard, and taking it. Ways to Confuse, Worry, or Just Plain Scare People in the Computer Lab/Class Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun. Ways to Confuse, Worry, or Just Plain Scare People in the Computer Lab/Class When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best. Ways to Confuse, Worry, or Just Plain Scare People in the Computer Lab/Class Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab. Daily Affirmations and Advice for the Adverage Psycho: We all have our nutty days; mine just come more often than others. Daily Affirmations and Advice for the Adverage Psycho: No matter how hard you fight it, the world still sucks. Daily Affirmations and Advice for the Adverage Psycho: Who cares if I scare other people? I scare myself. Daily Affirmations and Advice for the Adverage Psycho: It doesn't matter that you can't figure out where the buzz came from as long as you make the best of it. Daily Affirmations and Advice for the Adverage Psycho: Normal people may seem cool, but looks can be deceiving. Daily Affirmations and Advice for the Adverage Psycho: Being myself is the coolest thing I can do, especially considering that i'm the coolest person I know. Daily Affirmations and Advice for the Adverage Psycho: It's okay to be weird. As a matter of fact, considering the way normal people suck the life out of parties these days, I'd reccomed it. Daily Affirmations and Advice for the Adverage Psycho: The only way to express yourself is to be yourself (even if it means belly-dancing in public). Daily Affirmations and Advice for the Adverage Psycho: Maybe it's not you this time. Maybe it's just the prozac. Daily Affirmations and Advice for the Adverage Psycho: Elephants are grey. Scary isn't it Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex... You can GET chocolate. Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex... "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate. Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex... Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft. Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex... You can safely have chocolate while you are driving. Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex... You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to. Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex... You can have chocolate in front of your grandma. Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex... If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind. Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex... Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names. Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex... The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate. Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex... You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your work mates. Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex... You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped. Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex... You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate. Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex... With chocolate there's no need to fake it. Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex... Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant. Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex... You can have chocolate at any time of the month. Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex... Good chocolate is easy to find. Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex... You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle. Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex... You are never too young or too old for chocolate. Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex... When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake. Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex... With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always good. How did the blonde try to kill the bird...she threw it off of a cliff. How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves...she fell out of the tree. How did the blonde die, drinking milk...the cow stepped on her. How did the blonde burn her nose...bobbing for french fries. Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month...the instructions stated, "good for up to 20 pounds". Why do blondes have see-through lunch box tops...so they can tell if they are going to work or going home, while on the bus. Why do men like blonde jokes...it is one thing they can understand. Why do blondes like lightning...they think someone is taking their picture. Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces...from eating with forks. Why do blondes have more fun...they are easier to keep amused. What do you call a brunette with a blonde on both sides...an interpreter. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer...frosted flakes. What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head...a space invader. What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case...branch manager. What do you call a smart blonde...a golden retriever. What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes...the back of her head. What does a blonde owl say...what, what... How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies...10...one to mix the dough and nine to peel the M & M's. Why did the blonde climb over the chain link fence...to see what is on the other side. Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back...from crawling across the street when the sign said "don't walk". Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat...in case she locks the keys in her car. Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet...so she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills. Why was blondes created...because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge...why were brunettes created...neither could the blondes. Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor...she thought it was pregnant because it missed a period. Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months...because the box said from 2-4 years. Why did the blonde call the welfare office...she wanted to know how to cook food stamps. Where do blondes go to meet their relatives...the vegetable garden. What do you call four blondes in a Volkswagon ... far - from - thinkin. What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerois...oh look, donut seeds. What did the blonde name her pet zebra...spot. Why are dumb blonde jokes so short...so brunettes can remember them. Why can't blondes put in light bulbs...they keep breaking them with the hammer. When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head...when you have a tire pump to re-inflate it. Why was the blonde upset when she got her driver's license...because she got an F in sex. Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow into the air...she missed. What is it called when a blonde blows in another blondes ear...data transfer. What is gross ignorance...144 blondes. What is the difference between a dead blonde and a skunk in the road...there are skid marks in front of the skunk. What's the difference between a blonde and a lightbulb...the lightbulb is smarter, but the blonde is eaiser to turn on. What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have...one that never misses a period. What is the blondes highest ambition in life...to be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet. What can save a dying blonde...hair transplants. What are the six worst years in a blonde's life...third grade. What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common...you keep hearing about them, but never see any. What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer...I don't know, there are some things even a blonde won't do. What's six inches long, has a bald head, and drives blondes crazy...a hundred dollar bill. How do you confuse a blonde...You don't. They're born that way. How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries...if she had a checkbook. How can you tell when a fax has been sent from a blonde...there is a stamp on it. How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook...she gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece. What is the difference between a blonde and bigfoot...bigfoot has been spotted. What does a blonde make best for dinner...reservations. What does a blonde and cow-pats have in common...they both get eaiser to pick-up with age. What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on...it's on, it's off, it's on... What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts...change. What does a blonde say if you blow in her (or his) ear...thanks for the refill. What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair...last years hide and go seek winner. What do you call a basement full of blondes...a whine cellar. What do you call a blonde at the bottom of the pool...an air bubble. What do you call a blonde behind a steering wheel...an air bag. What do you call a blonde between two brunettes...a mental block. What do you call 20 blondes standing ear to ear...a wind tunnel. What do you call 15 blondes in a circle...a dope ring. What do you call a blonde in college...a visitor. What is five miles long and has an IQ of forty...a blonde parade. A blonde and brunette jumped off of a 20 story building. The brunette hit the pavement but not the blonde...she got lost. Boyfriend said to his blonde girlfriend, I am going to go skeet shooting...but I don't know how to cook skeet. Question to the blonde...why do you have an ice pack on your chest...to keep the milk fresh. How do blonde brain cells die...alone. How do you measure a blonde's intelligence...stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear. How to you keep a blonde busy all day...put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner. What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you...run...she's got a hand grenade in her mouth. How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle...shine a flashlight in her ears. How do you kill a blonde...put spikes in her shoulder pads. Why does a blonde wear shoulder pads...to keep from hurting her head as she rocks it back and forth and said "I dunno". How do blondes pierce their ears...they put tacks in their shoulder pads. How do you drown a blonde...put a mirror at the bottom of the pool. Why do blondes hate M & M's...they're to hard to peel. How do you know when a blonde is making chocolate chip cookies...there are M&M shells all over the floor. What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory...proof reading. How do you keep a blonde in suspense...I'll tell you tomorrow. How do you keep a blonde busy...write "please turn over" on both sides of a piece of paper. Why can't the blonde make ice cubes...she lost the receipt. Why did the blonde stand in front of the mirror with her eyes closed...she wanted to see what she looked like when she was sleeping. How many blondes does it take to play hide and seek...one. What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone...divorced. Why couldn't the blonde write the number eleven...she didn't know which 1 came first. How can you tell a smart blonde from a dumb blonde....the smart blondes have dark roots. Why don't blondes eat pickles...because they get their heads stuck in the jar. Why does the blonde wear underclothes...to keep her ankles warm. Why did the blonde get fired from the M & M factory...she threw out all of the W's. How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday...tell her a joke on Friday. What do you call a zit on a blonde's butt...brain tumor. Why don't blondes make kool-aid...can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packages. What do you call a blonde with half a brain...gifted. Why do blondes have T.G.I.F. printed on their shoes...stands for toes g o in first. How many blondes does it take to change a tire...5--2 to get sodas, 2 to cry and 1 to call daddy. How do you kill a blonde...put spikes in her shoulder pads. How do you give a blonde a brain transplant...blow in her ear. What do blondes and beer bottles have in common...they're both empty from the neck up. Why did the blonde cross the road...never mind that, what's she doing out of the bedroom? What does a blonde say when you blow in her ear...thanks for the refill. What's the mating call of a brunette...Is that darn blonde gone yet? Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitchen sink...that's where you wash vegetables. How do you get a blonde's eyes to sparkle...shine a light in her ear. What's the advantage of being married to a blonde...you can park in handicapped zones. What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you...pull the pin and throw it back. What's the mating call of a blonde...I think I'm drunk. How does a blonde turn on the lights after sex...opens the car door. Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress...to keep her neck warm. Why did the blonde have square boobs...she forgot to take the tissues out of the box. Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall...to see what was on the other side. What do blondes and cow pies have in common...the older they get, the easier they are to pick up. How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb...6 - 2 to read the instructions, 1 to find the switch, 2 to stand on, 1 to screw the bulb. How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb...two...one to hold the diet pepsi and one to call daaaady. The blonde stayed up all night to see where the sun went...it finally dawned on her. How did the blonde commit suicide...she dyed by her own hand. Brunette to the blonde...Awww, look at the dead birdie...the blonde stopped, looks up and says, "where"? How do you know a blonde has been working at your computer...there is "white-out" all over the screen. How can you tell if another blonde been using the computer ...there's writing on the "white-out". Why do blondes wear ear muffs?...to avoid the draft. What's the mating call of the blonde..."I'm soooo drunk" What's the mating call of the ugly blonde...(screaming) " I'm drunk!" What's the mating call of the brunette?...all the blonds have gone home. What is the blonde doing when she hold her hands over her ears...trying to hold on to a thought. Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?...because it said "concentrate". Why did the blonde snort Nutra-Sweet...she thought it was diet coke. Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering...the noise gave her a headache. Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips...from trying to blow out lightbulbs. Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar...she heard that the drinks were on the house. Why don't blondes have elevator jobs...they don't know the route. Why does blondes have elevator jobs...they like going up and down. Why do blondes work seven days a week...so you don't have to retrain them on Monday. What is the first thing a blonde learns when she takes driving lessons...you can also sit upright in a car. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If your service provider calls *you* for tech support. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If someone at work tells you a joke, and you say "LOL!" You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you have ever had a dream about the people in your channels. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you have to scroll through your popup menu. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you watch T.V. with the closed captioning turned on. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If your friend tells you something sad on the phone and you say "Awwww, me hugs Tom." You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you've called out someone else's nick while making love to your husband. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you keep begging your friends to get an internet account so "we can hang out." You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you are intimate with three words ... carpel - tunnel - syndrome You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you want to meet a girl and your first impulse is to turn on your computer. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you once devoted a weekend to "working on your popups." You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you sometimes go to #egypt "just to get away from it all." You May Be Addicted To IRC: If, when you join #callahans everyone types "Norm!" You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you're a heterosexual male, but one time used a feminine nick "just to mess with the horny net geeks." You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you come home from class, look at your roommates, and say "ib." You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you wait for your roommates to say "re." You May Be Addicted To IRC: If the words "takeover," "nick collide," and "flood" make your heart beat faster and your hands a little shakey. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If sometimes you type commands from the unix prompt you mistakenly begin them with a "/" You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you've ever gotten on an airplane just to meet some folks face to face. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you make it a point to change your ping reply and quit message daily. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you have over 2 megs of .wav files in your mirc directory. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you have to get a second phone line just so you can call Domino's. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If your child ignores your request and you wonder if she's lagged. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you send internet Christmas cards. *wink* You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you've ever felt the urge to type "*wink*." You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you have ever wondered if there is a #irc-anon. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you have an irc web page. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you've ever went to one of those form-submit web page 'chats' just to say "you losers don't even know what irc is, do you? Huh!? DO YOU!?!" You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you join #hispanola "just to work on your Spanish." You May Be Addicted To IRC: If, when someone on the channel asks if anyone knows some good servers, everyone else types your nick. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you join busy channels just to talk to yourself because the scrolling makes you feel better about it somehow. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you've ever typed "drinking on irc is better than drinking alone." You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you go into labor and you stop to type a "special" away message. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you have a vanity car tag with your nick on it. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you've been lagged so bad that you've switched servers so much you can see your nick on the channel list three times. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you no longer type with proper punctuation, capitalization, or complete sentences. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If your umode is +s because you don't feel right without it. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you don't know your boyfriend's first name. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If your RL boyfriend gets on irc because it's the only way to reach you. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you know which servers are major hubs in *.tw You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you call your significant other a HNG. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you use words like "lame" and "leet" in RL. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you find yourself wishing that bitch on your hall were on irc so you could flood her. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you read operlist. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you tell your RL friends you have plans already on Saturday night when you don't. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you feel the need to talk in all caps to certain people in RL. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If your irc .ini is over 80k. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If your desk is the only part of your room that you ever use (screw the bed). You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you have ever put a smiley in a paper for work. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If the Jehovah's Witnesses knock on the door and all you can think of doing is flooding them with pings. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you get a call from a telemarketer and you put the phone down and set their mode to -v. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you call your friend Cheryl and /invite $nick to #watch_TV. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you offer the babysitter OPS when you go out for the night. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you refer to rush hour traffic as lagged. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If, to avoid traffic, you tell your passenger to quit for a second and switch servers. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If the word "I" is replaced in your vocabulary with /me. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you raise your hand in class and say "BRB." You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you have more than three private message windows going simultaneously. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you don't subscribe to a certain ISP because they don't offer unlimited time. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If, instead of taking a disk home from work, you set up your BOT to serve it to you later that night. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you no longer have to stop and explain to your friends what "RE ALL" means. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you begin to say hehehehehehehe instead of laughing. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you don't sleep at night because you stay up too late thinking of a new NICK. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you know, and use regularly, more than 10 different ways to smile in ascii text. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you cry when you see more than 3 quit messages with two servers listed as the reason. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If, when someone says "what did you say?", you reply "scroll up!" You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you sneak to the computer in the middle of the night to get in more irc time. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you know more about your irc friend's daily routines than you do your spouse's. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If, when someone complains about your phone being busy, you say it was off the hook. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you change nicks so much that you have to type /me to see who you are. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you would rather tell people your bloodshot eyes are from too much partying instead of the truth. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you put on special mood music while talking to certain people in private chats. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If your friends on irc were above your RL friends on your Christmas card list. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you find yourself involved in channel politics on irc. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you ever turned down real hugs for {{{hugs}}} from irc friends. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you have actually kept up with ten conversations at one time. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you postpone your graduation so you can keep your free .edu account. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you have ever written a pen and paper letter and found it impossible to do without the smileys. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you don't even bother answering the phone anymore. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you're broke and your modem burns out and you go to the streets to sell your body to get a new one. You May Be Addicted To IRC: If you're willing to risk a divorce because your husband/wife doesn't like the time you spend on the computer. You know you're an Internet Addict when... Your microwave becomes a place to *store* uneaten dinners, rather than a place to heat them up You know you're an Internet Addict when... You log on *before* you Power Shower, *after* you Power Shower, and if possible, *during* your power shower You know you're an Internet Addict when... Your parents have their neighbor send you an e-mail when they need to get a message to you! You know you're an Internet Addict when... You have memorized more than ten e-mail addresses, 5 bookmarked sites, or 2 chatroom URLs You know you're an Internet Addict when... You've developed an uncanny ability to sleep, still sitting up, with your hands still typing away...(thinking is optional in most chat rooms) You know you're an Internet Addict when... You possess more than one webpage of your own, when you don't even know HTML You know you're an Internet Addict when... The operator makes more than seven "Emergency Break Through" attempts on your phone line every day You know you're an Internet Addict when... You're an American, but find yourself spelling with extra u's. Note - seek immediate help if you begin substituting zed's with s's!!! You know you're an Internet Addict when... Your friends haven't seen you in so long, they think that you actually smile sideways :) You know you're an Internet Addict when... You view "Daylight Saving Time" as an extra hour on-line, rather than an extra hour of sleep! You know you're an Internet Addict when... You switch on the computer before you switch on the kettle in the morning You know you're an Internet Addict when... You don't HAVE to switch on the computer in the morningYou know you're an Internet Addict when...All electrical appliances have been moved to within easy reach of your keyboard You know you're an Internet Addict when... In spite of screen savers, the electrons escaping from your monitor have tattooed your right temple with the Netscape or Internet Explorer logo You know you're an Internet Addict when... You get a hard on looking at text. You know you're an Internet Addict when... You have an orgasm looking at HTML You know you're an Internet Addict when... Java Applets get to be the equivalent of full blown Tantric sex with lots of chocolate and whipped cream (hey - it's my page - I can write what I like :)))) You know you're an Internet Addict when... The last three blind dates you've had have been with your computer! ;) You know you're an Internet Addict when... You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com You know you're an Internet Addict when... You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one. You know you're an Internet Addict when... You start introducing yourself as "John at I-I-Net dot com" You know you're an Internet Addict when... Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like. You know you're an Internet Addict when... All of your friends have an @ in their names. You know you're an Internet Addict when... You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem. You know you're an Internet Addict when... Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box. You know you're an Internet Addict when... You laugh at people with 14400 baud modems. You know you're an Internet Addict when... You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape. You know you're an Internet Addict when... You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. You know you're an Internet Addict when... You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html You know you're an Internet Addict when... Your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed." You know you're an Internet Addict when... You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a commode. You know you're an Internet Addict when... You turn on your computer, and turn off your spouse. You know you're an Internet Addict when... Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer, and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat. You know you're an Internet Addict when... You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited." You know you're an Internet Addict when... Your dog has its own home page. You know you're an Internet Addict when... Your wife and family have left you, because of your on-line love affairs. You know you're an Internet Addict when... Your DOG has left you because of your on~line love affairs! ;) You know you're an Internet Addict when... You mistake your house-mate for a large animated GIF and get so excited you try and download him/her You know you're an Internet Addict when... Your teacher asks where's your homework and you answer......I didn't do it because I was up until 5 am on the internet....... You know you're an Internet Addict when... You account for the last seven months of your life in terms of hours logged on!!!! You know you're an Internet Addict when... you start filling forms like this You know you're an Internet Addict when... You leave your computer logged on all day with your speakers turned WAY up so if you get "incoming" mail, you'll hear it and can rush to read and reply! Note: This isn't such a big deal if you're from the US where we get unlimited usage for a flat fee... But if you're from the UK or a pay-by-the-minute country... then you're HOPELESS and even these pages can't help you!!! You know you're an Internet Addict when... Your e-mail fails, so you have to resort to sending Dog-o-grams in order to stay in touch...(who - me??) ;-) You know you're an Internet Addict when... In spite of eating your breakfast in front of your PC, you *STILL* don't manage to answer all your e-mail before leaving for work You know you're an Internet Addict when... You find out you're getting the internet at work, and you go all twitchy ;) You know you're an Internet Addict when... you know more about your virtual family on the Lord of the Dance's Visitor's Book, than you do your own flatspouse. You know you're an Internet Addict when... you spend your virtual time designing a computer table to arch over your bed so you can surf in total comfort. You know you're an Internet Addict when... on your drivers licence under 'sex' it reads: www.hustler.com You know you're an Internet Addict when... You get up to go to the bathroom at 3a.m. and stop by the computer on the way back to check your email. You know you're an Internet Addict when... you call your dog for the morning paper by simply typing; [email protected] You know you're an Internet Addict when... you start describing yourself in *singles* chat-rooms as: < %^) } You know you're an Internet Addict when... you refer to Bill Gates as 'daddy'. You know you're an Internet Addict when... all of your bookmarks are full. all of your favorites are full. you've gone through three '5 subject' college ruled note books. you've got a pen clutched in your hand, and still wearing 30 year old bell-bottoms. You know you're an Internet Addict when... your idea of music is hearing Bill Gates voice through a MIDI device. You know you're an Internet Addict when... your phone bill *must* be expressed in 'scientific notation'. You know you're an Internet Addict when... your newborn is delivered with a 3 months of unlimited service to AOL. You know you're an Internet Addict when... you begin worshiping and giving burnt offerings to your modem, promising it to rid the world of 14400 baud's by 2010 You know you're an Internet Addict when... your sexual desires are fulfilled by the vibrations of your computer whenever it boots-up; if you ever discovered where to locate the on/off switch after countless hours on-line You know you're an Internet Addict when... you bring a vaccume hose into the study, just to rid yourself of all those pesky cobwebs. You know you're an Internet Addict when... the only idea you have about a sky-scraper is your tower hard-drive, which apparently you think you invented. You know you're an Internet Addict when... You check your E-mail and you don't have any. So you check it again and you have five! You know you're an Internet Addict when... You have time to look up sights like this one - and read everyone else's responses. You know you're an Internet Addict when... Typing http:// becomes a natural act You know you're an Internet Addict when... the shape of the bottons on your keyboard become permanent imprints on your fingers. You know you're an Internet Addict when... you hear about Saddam Huseins ( fictonal ) take-over of the world from a friend in your local chatroom You know you're an Internet Addict when... you've hiered a priest to marry you and your moniter, having your mouse and keyboard as best men. ( you never knew you could fit your computer into a tux.) You know you're an Internet Addict when... you have 5 E-mail providers just to organize all the crap people will mail you. You know you're an Internet Addict when... When you wake up in the middle of the night to pee you have to check our E-Mail first. You know you're an Internet Addict when... You really believe you are 33 years old, when you know that your 50th birthday is long gone!! You know you're an Internet Addict when... you end up writing a love-letter to your computer!! You know you're an Internet Addict when... My survey suggests you are : http://net-addict.herts.ac.uk You know you're an Internet Addict when... you end up dating with your computer on a saturday night! You know you're an Internet Addict when... You send an inter-office memo that starts with "/me . . . " You know you're an Internet Addict when... Weather is not a factor when getting to work, you'll trudge through rain, sleet or snow to get on-line at work. You know you're an Internet Addict when... when you have contests with RL friends about who has stayed online for the longest time without stopping. You know you're an Internet Addict when... you find yourself adding internet addiction symptoms on the Internet Anonymous site. You know you're an Internet Addict when... You are introduced to a friend's friend as "the internet looney I told you about" You know you're an Internet Addict when... You laugh at people with modems. You know you're an Internet Addict when... You read this entire site and copied and pasted most of it into e-mail to send to your friends. You know you're an Internet Addict when... when you talk to your friends in real life, you do a typing motion with your hands You know you're an Internet Addict when... It's 3am in the morning, you've got the blinds down to prevent sunlight coming into your computer and you realize you were due to technically wake up in 2 hours, and that's exactly the time it takes for you to say bye bye to all your irc "friends". You know you're an Internet Addict when... You do live in a country (Switzerland) where you do pay by the minute online, and still spend 10 hrs a day on the internet. Let them take the house! You know you're an Internet Addict when... you're chatting with a female in another country and her birthday's coming up..... you ask what she is going to do on her birthday ........ she gives some sorry sob story like "nuthin" ..... you pick up the phone, call from South Africa to a restaurant in the U.S.A. and after giving details of your MasterCard book a birthday lunch for herself and a friend! You know you're an Internet Addict when... you actually take da time to look for a site to help internet addictz on da internet... You know you're an Internet Addict when... You know more IP addresses than street addresses. You know you're an Internet Addict when... Your bookmarks take 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom. You know you're an Internet Addict when... All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3. You know you're an Internet Addict when... You start having dreams in HTML. You know you're an Internet Addict when... You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. You know you're an Internet Addict when... You kiss your girlfriend's home page. You know you're an Internet Addict when... You code the homework from all your subjects in HTML and give your instructor the URL. You know you're an Internet Addict when... You actually try that 123.elm.street address. You know you're an Internet Addict when... You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom. You know you're an Internet Addict when... You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you think It sounds like the ocean wind... the perfect soundtrack for "surfing the net" You know you're an Internet Addict when... You have completely gone through all the Yahoo! links and are half-way through Lycos. You know you're an Internet Addict when... You find you can write PERL scripts first time every time; and ENJOY DOING IT! You know you're an Internet Addict when... You run out of cigarettes, and spend three hours searching Yahoo for an online tobacconist rather than just popping out to the corner shop. You know you're an Internet Addict when... You download so many MP3 files you couldnt hear even in a century. You know you're an Internet Addict when... When I talk to guyanese guys till 6 AM in the morning in the guyana chat room. You know you're an Internet Addict when... When the letters on your keyboard ROFLMAO have started to fade away. You know you're an Internet Addict when... I just feel so lonley and bored when I'm not on the net... You know you're an Internet Addict when... you try to do a .profile or an .ex on people you meet in RL You know you're an Internet Addict when... when you sell you newest computer and start to use the older one just to get money for a new ISP, or XXXlogin, or modem(etc), or... You know you're an Internet Addict when... you start to think in Java. You know you're an Internet Addict when... When your mouse gets old and you notice it. You know you're an Internet Addict when... When your mouse gets old and you buy a mouse with a wheel